WHO'S IN CHARGE? BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The a**hole is usually in charge.

what time does saddam have his tea,
same time as tariq azzees

Understanding Cause And Effect


A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the
river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".

Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he
also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach out my
paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".

Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river
and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle
to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a
trophy".

Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw
and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will
grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket".

Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his
paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse
will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the
mouse".

So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the
fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter
rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich from the
hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river.

The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet
pussy.

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you
said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the rear-end are interchangeable."

TWO DRUNKEN WOMEN...........
TWO WOMAN FRIENDS,,INCREDIBLY DRUNK AND WALKING HOME GOT CAUGHT SHORT,
AS THEY WHERE NEAR A GRAVEYARD ONE OF THEM SAID ,,LETS POP IN HERE AND GO BEHIND A GRAVE STONE AND HAVE A PISS.
ONE OF THEM HAD NOTHING TO WIPE WITH, SO SHE THOUGHT SHE`D TAKE HER PANTS OFF AND WIPE HER SELF DOWN,AND THROW THEM AWAY AFTER,
HER FRIEND HOW EVER WAS WEARING A RATHER EXPENSIVE UNDERWEAR SET AND DIDN`T WANT TO RUIN HER`S BUT WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO SALVAGE A LARGE RED RIBBON FROM A WREATH THAT WAS ON ONE OF THE GRAVES AND PROCEEDED TO WIPE HERSELF WITH THAT.THEY THEN MADE OFF HOME.

THE NEXT DAY ONE WOMAN`S HUSBAND PHONED THE OTHER AND SAID,,,,we better keep an eye on our wives you no,,mine came back last night with no pants on.......

thats nothing said the other guy,,,MINE CAME BACK WITH A CARD STUCK BETWEEN HER ARSE THAT SAID FROM ALL THE LADS AT THE FIRE STATION WE`LL NEVER FORGET YOU......

http://www.keithhearn.net/skirts.htm


The latest in Fashion. chortle.........

police arrested two kids today,,,,,,one was drinking battery acid,,,,,the other was eating fireworks..

they charged one and let the other one off.

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

===========================

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

==================================

Around 3 weeks ago, I received an envelope from St. Mathews Church in my mail..Completely unsolicited. It was just an invitation to receive a free booklet by mail, if I filled out and returned the form inside the envelope via a pre-paid envelope they had enclosed. Well, These things irritate me.. I don't push my beliefs at other people, and I expect them to do the same for me. So.. I took the envelope they enclosed, stuffed everything back into it EXCEPT the form to receive their free pamplet. That, I threw away. I sealed the envelope, and instead of my own name in the upper left front corner, I made it out to be from "Nemo Precipuus". Those of you familiar with latin, or at least, those of you with access to a decent translation program, will see the meaning of this. I would have thought St. Mathew's Church would have..I mean, Latin IS mostly used by Catholic and Christian churches these days, yes? Well..apparently they didn't..Nore did they even check for the form to be inside the envelope.. This week, I've received their little booklet, addressed to "Nemo Precipuus", at my address. I thought it was the funniest thing I've seen in quite a few years.. Perhaps a few of you will get a chuckle out of this as well.. Just goes to show..you can't depend on the other fellow to have a decent education..

DOWN IN THE NURSEING HOME.
A LITTLE OLD LADY WAS RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE HALLS IN A NURSEING HOME ,SHOUTING SUPERSEX ,,, SUPERSEX,,, SHE WOULD FLIP UP HER DRESS,,,SHOWING ALL THATS ON OFFER.

SHE WALKED UP TO A OLD MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR,SHOWING HIM WHATS ON OFFER,,SHOUTING SUPERSEX,,, SUPERSEX,,,,

HE SAT SILENTLY FOR A MOMENT OR TWO AND FINALLY ANSWERED ,,,,,,I`LL TAKE THE SOUP.

whats the closest thing to silver?
























the lone rangers arse.

CIDER.

A LITTLE GIRL CAME RUNNING IN TO THE HOUSE BAWLING HER EYES OUT AND CRADLING HER HAND.
MUMMY QUICK ,,
GET ME A GLASS OF CIDER,SHE WAILED.
WHY DO YOU WANT A GLASS OF CIDER? ASKED HER MUM.
I CUT MY HAND ON A THORN,,,AND I WANT THE PAIN TO GO AWAY.
CONFUSED,
BUT WEARY OF THE CHILDS WHINING,,,,THE MOTHER OBLIGED AND POURED HER A GLASS OF CIDER.
THE LITTLE GIRL DOWNED IT IN ONE OUCH ,,IT STILL HURTS SHE SAID,,,,,,WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,,,ASKED THE MUM.
WHAT EVER MADE YOU THINK THE PAIN WOULD GO AWAY?
WELL I OVERHEARD MY BIG SISTER SAY THAT WHENEVER SHE GETS A PRICK IN HER HAND,,,,,,,SHE CAN`T WAIT TO GET IT IN CIDER....................................

Courtesy of Dara O'Brian on Parky

During the troubles in Belfast a guy is walking down a dark allyway when he feels a gun at the back of his head.
"Are you Catholic or Protestant" a voice behind him asks?
Crapping himself but thinking quickly he replied "Niether, I'm Jewish".
"Bloody Hell" said the voice "I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast".

Here is a historical story, with a modern topical twist, bearing in mind the big match tonight in Paris!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colosseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says

"He doesn't half talk some shi* eh?
He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and again addresses the crowd in the Colosseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate

"I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Colosseum again.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain, and we are going to sort those b*stards out."

The crowd are up on their feet.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus jumps up and shouts

"Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out you only killed 25,000!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colosseum, and then across
at Brutus, and says

"Brutus, you are forgetting one very important thing . . . . .



...........................................

...........................................

...........................................

Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was divested, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This isnt so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian Well just relax and let it happen And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

"Brian, wake up you drunken *astard, you're shitting the bed"

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately

the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,

turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label..........



"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."

An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that r epresents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2016, the organizers
of Glasgow's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A
copy of which was leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited be a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained
in a large chip van situated on the roof of the Stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Glasgow games, Glasgow's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a plasma tv and a laptop (one in each arm)
and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released
from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc).

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Ents will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery
as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages
deliveryman.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
Tennant's Super while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when
he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown into the Clyde. The first three survivor's
back will decide the medals.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guaee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Glasgow Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock
throwing, and music by the Flute Band. The Olympic flame will be
extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the
top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself
will be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove
all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.