A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister, unable to resist the urge to do a little shopping herself, bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly was handed the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

An Easy Explanation of the crisis In Italy & Greece

A small town in Italy is twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the
palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he
could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge
over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by
building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this
house could be built".

Soon after, the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply
amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was
marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said;
"You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."

Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.



She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.

Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly: “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?”

The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy … I became a prostitute.” “Ye what?! Out of here, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, Daddy… as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and… an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad. Girl, crying again, says….”A prostitute, Daddy.”

“Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said … a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”

A man and a woman are fooling around, when suddenly they hear the front door slam.

"Its my husband! Erm. Err. Yes! Hide in the en-suite!"

The man runs in just as the husband enters.

"Love, why are you naked?"

She replies, "Why darling, I'm naked for you dear."

Feeling happy, the man walks into the bathroom, only to now see a naked man before him.

"Who the fcuk are you?"

"I'm the, the, the moth exterminator," the naked man replies.

"And why are you naked?" the angry husband asks.

The naked man looks down, jumps back in shock and then shouts "Oooh! The little bastards!"

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Take a look - it'll make you laugh.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxNpDuLAHyQ

A man walks into bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets
him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'

The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then
another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks ... and they keep coming!




The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'



'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

:o)

A few from The 2015 Edinburgh Festival:

Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other, “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.” Tommy Tiernan

Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that last surgery – to stop ageing. So why are we sad? Katherine Ryan

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. Matt Winning

Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry. Juliet Meyers

Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of impotence. Jo Brand

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born. Yianni

How many people here are psychic? Raise my hand! Chris Dugdale

I’m allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher. Harriet Kemsley

My mate and I were in a pub debating where the barman originates from. I said he was an Eskimo. He said Native American. Turns out he was an Eskimo. Inuit all along. Richard Gadd

My father grew up in this really racist part of Bradford, called Bradford. Unknown

My wife and I can never agree on holidays. I want to fly to exotic places and stay in five-star hotels. And she wants to come with me. Kelly Kingham

They say children give you something money can’t buy. Yes, poverty. Jeff Green

My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne. Laura Lexx

My mother wears the burqa – mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad. Shazia Mirza

Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical. I am appealing. Stewart Francis

If you don’t know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith

Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday? Tom Neenan

Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens. Darren Walsh

I was going to scatter my father’s ashes but he was a big cricket fan so I thought I’d retain them. Alfie Moore

You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity. Lou Sanders

I wasn’t sure about this beard at first but it’s grown on me. Tez Ilyas

I’ve run this joke past all my black and ethnic-minority friends, and she said it was fine. Bridget Christie

After my grandfather’s funeral, I scattered his remains over the garden, which was horrible because he hadn’t been cremated. Thünderbards

My husband never learned to drive – in my opinion. Jo Brand

I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill. Chris Turner

I always like some of those from the Edinburgh festival .

When the first London Underground Station was opened, well, my aunt asked me, "What was the point of it? Where would anyone go?"

My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely that same time too.
It fell on her.

There are various ways to give up smoking – nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My aunt used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.

Which reminds me: What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

My mate Gav died last week after overdosing on heartburn medication.
I can't believe Gaviscon.

A cowboy rides into town, ties up his horse outside the saloon, walks in and orders a shot of whiskey. He downs it and walks out. He notices that his horse has gone so he goes back into the saloon, orders another whiskey and says "If my horse isn't returned by the time I've finished another drink the same thing will happen here as happened in Dodge City. Now, give me another shot of whiskey." He downs his drink and walks slowly out of the saloon; his horse is tied up at the rail again. Just as he is mounting to ride off, the barman come outside and asks "What did happen in Dodge City?" The cowboy replies "I had to walk home."

The New Politically Correct Royal Navy

The Royal Navy is proud to announce the arrival of its new fleet of Type 45 Destroyers.

Initially the first two ships were named HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless.

But the Navy's Ship Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels (voicing its concern about any member state sounding too aggressive) renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be named: HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full, sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be made up of men and women on a 50/50 basis.

It will contain the correct, statistically proportionate, balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation developed over five hundred years of naval tradition for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash".

So out has gone the rum ration. It has been replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, but is now extended to include all ratings, male and female, under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen, as it now offends the English, Scots and Welsh.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Mohamed Hooq from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels."

His final words were: "When push comes to shove, Britannia waives the rules.”