An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that r epresents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2016, the organizers
of Glasgow's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A
copy of which was leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited be a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained
in a large chip van situated on the roof of the Stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Glasgow games, Glasgow's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a plasma tv and a laptop (one in each arm)
and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released
from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc).

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Ents will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery
as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages
deliveryman.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
Tennant's Super while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when
he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown into the Clyde. The first three survivor's
back will decide the medals.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guaee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Glasgow Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock
throwing, and music by the Flute Band. The Olympic flame will be
extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the
top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself
will be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove
all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Thomas Cook
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC
wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?" Operator: " Doesn't the
product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff
please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but
the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so
I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file
back again?".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long
time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true
story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording
monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I
know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when
it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see
that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall. Caller:
"Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back
of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -
it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn
on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power
failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"

The OFFSIDE rule explained for girls. Put simply...........

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the Shop
Assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you
must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them
with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no
money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and
sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper
and,*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper,
catch the purse and buy the shoes.

However until the purse has *actually been thrown* you are not allowed to
move in front of the other shopper - (otherwise you would be 'Offside')...

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look ok to me, said the Doctor, "but I'll do some tests, and see
what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the
doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then, there can be only one explanation," said the doctor.





This is good - wait for it.................





"Your mother must have been a carrier!!

An older couple were lying in bed one night one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me".
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to snuggle down to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and stormed out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she cried.
The echo came back from the bathroom "To get my bloody teeth!"

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Car for sale :-)

Read all 75 questions down the bottom of the page :-)))))

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.





She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Cobba said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.

"What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobba. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her n!pples." "Play with her nipples?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for

that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

There were three sisters:Annie,Nanny and Fanny.
Annie and Nanny wore size 10 shoes and fanny took a 12
One evening the three girls where in a nightclub.A guy who was dancing with Annie
and Nanny remarked at what big feet they had.
"that's nothing" said Annie "wait 'till you see the size of our Fanny's.








Feet

South Africa.
A Guy is working down in the mine when there is a terrible accidentand his leg is blown off
His buddy comes to see him the next day and asks "how's it going"
"Not good mate, who do you know who'd want a one leg'ed gold digger?

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f**ked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"


His mate replies:-


"Well, you could try Paul McCartney"

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END.

THE UK VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live
coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in
his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food. The
British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Liberal Party, the
Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single
Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Hard Work
demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian
cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them
singing "We Shall Overcome".

Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got
rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response, the Labour Government
drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council.

The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBi company, funded by
the EU (although within weeks, his business is threatened with Compulsory
purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a
commission of enquiry, that will cost 10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; the Guardian blames it on
the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair
arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of
immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's
multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a heroin/prostitution operation
and terrorize the community.

THE END.

Wrong thread. This thread is clearly labelled jokes, not factual reporting of everything that is wrong with Britain.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.

Cheese and onion sandwich walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager.

Landlord says ...... "sorry sir, we don't serve food"

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Contract For Females
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and p****d away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one, tell you that you're the best and ask you if I can get you a cigar.


Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a long pin.


Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.


Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific algorithm, incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault Even if I wasn't there.


Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.


Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.


Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.


Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.


Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your pe*is a "cute" nickname like Billy, the Big Bopper or Tiny Tim.


Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.


Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.


Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.


Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.


Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.


Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."


Section 6.01 After we split up, I will try to set you up with my best friend who you have always wanted. Hey, we can still be friends.


Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*...


Section 7.01 ...With the exception of the following household items:
iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.


Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.



Signed ____________________________________ (female)

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney because of a very sensitive poem Sir Paul wrote soon after they met.................................



As i lay upon the grassy bank my body all a quiver

I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.......................................



Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why he wrote such truth , I'm stumped."



She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil as possible.


"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "She will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this."





It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations. If an agreement has been signed his lawyers believe she won't have a leg to stand on.


Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".


Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause."Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get home at night and find her legless."


Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main present never came.