Things to do while waiting for shares to increase in value

very nice joke.


David

I have been having a few software problems recently.....

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications e.g. Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had lots of bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

This is just too funny, had to post it here - sorry guys but it is!!!

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because so many women want theirs replaced by something that is capable of more than rabbiting on for hours about nothing!!!!

This is my favourite .......



HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom. Throw away soggy pill.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one glass beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot. Drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw ripped tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty gardening gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to Emergency Room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

See just goes to prove give a man a simple job like giving a cat
a pill and all chaos breaks out! lol
(This-Is-Me...you know this means war...and stop eating my food!!)
For those who don't understand that last remark, take 10 minutes
off and visit the tea-rooms.

Two sharks swimming around in the Irish sea, when one turns to the other and says "I am fed up with eating mackeral". The other shark replies "In that case lets headover to Morecombe Bay for a chinese."

Ten out of ten washlander thats the up to date one.

GW BUSH STAMPS

After one year of the war of liberation of Iraq President George Bush wanted a special Iraqi postage stamp issued, with his head pictured on it. He so instructed the director of United States Postal Service, stressing that postage stamp should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released. But Bush began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the Paul Bremer and ordered him to investigate the matter.

Paul Bremer checked the matter out at several post offices in Iraq and then reported on the problem to Bush. He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, Iraqi citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

Here's anothe Bush Joke:

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and he enters one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says,
"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a TRAGEDY?"


"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

WHO'S IN CHARGE? BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The a**hole is usually in charge.

that would be the wife then? LOL

www.cnn.com can email you jokes every day.They are called :- offbeat
rgds aj

So, George Bush and Tony Blair both die together in a 'copter crash

They go up to the pearly gates of Heaven
No-one is there, but they can hear voices at the other side

George Knocks hard on the gate


Voice; loud: "Assalamu Alaikum"

George;quietly: "Aw....sugar, forget it"

A man and his wife are in bed asleep. At 4.30 am the phone rings. The man wakes up and answers it, His wife wakes up and hears him shouting.....NO, NOW F**K OFF AND TRY THE WEATHER CENTRE. She sheepishly says errr....who was that darling, he replies I don't know some idiot asking if the coast was clear.

david beckham got a jigsaw off his wife for christmas, she new that he had never done one before ,so she bought an easy one, 4 months later its complete ,he tells broklyn the good news, he tells his teacher,next day when he takes his son to school the teacher asks david why its took him so long, and also ask how many pieces was it, he said there was 8,,,, 8 the teacher said and its took you this long .david said i no it said 3//to// 5 years on the box........

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
pounds for a meal.

The man took out his wallet and extracted ten pounds. But before he
handed it over, he asked cautiously, "If I give you this money, will you
just end up buying some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago." the homeless man replied.

"Well, will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS?!?" replied the increasingly irritated homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy quid?!!" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his brand new BMW into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf-pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"