Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

GF ,you can't beat posh totty !!

yea hope someone says 'have a nice day' every second every day. whats his name again the chap whos gone on holiday, where de go?/forgot already. Im not bitter!

works do last night. furry tongue, little man playing timps in my head, i stink, and i've now got to take the girlfriend christmas shopping in manchester to try and find something that fits over lump. oh joy!!!!

Complaints to the Council

Extracts from letters (allegedly) sent to councils and housing associations throughout the UK

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

9. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

10. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

11. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

14. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

15. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

16. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

17. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

18. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

19. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

20. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

21. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

22. ... its his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Court Quotes
They really said them.....

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

like Carrots Insurance quotes (funny but true)

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
My fav:-
I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.

A Christmas tale to warm your hearts...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read,



"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised 96.

Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was 4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office!

A young lad asked his father, "Daddy, how was I born?" A thoughtful father replies, "One day you will need this information. Your mother and I got together in a Chat Room on Yahoo. We set up a date at the Cyber Cafe where we then met. We went to a secluded room, where your Mother agreed to do a download of my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was to late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop Up appeared and said: YOU GOT MALE."

Calm Down Dear.
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/03/e-sure-remix.html

i love you all, but those big blank gaps are really annoying!!
nor me













































baza how did u do that??

I got no gap !!!!

baza how did u do that??
and i cant sob sob

got the munchies.

I just went back and edited my message - and took out the blank lines - which shouldn't have been there anyway.

Aha

you've bitten it!!!!!

Where is everybody today ,christmas shopping ?? i think i will be scrooge this year.

I hope so - there's only 1 week of shopping for you guys to get out there and buy the important ladies in your live a fantastic pressie - so go get! Go shopping!!
;>)

There you go ,what a nice gift.

Whoops , lets not forget these , i'm so generous.

And these ,all in different colours ,i'm such a modern guy ,it's no wonder all the women want me.