Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Blimey and Tuesday was gorgeous and sexy day.
Hope you can cope, Alan.

I think I went overboard on the vitriolic venom!!
In truth I wanted to attack his arguments for his position but since he never actually puts forward any arguments I found myself attacking him!!!
Not that I am bothered too much about his feelings, but I really hate people using these boards to hurl vile abuse, and thats what I ended up doing!!
So no more abuse................twat

I know what you mean Al, some of the threads are pissing me off too ,you homless persons scab .

G. Souness has been fired as Newcastle manager RNS just out............

Any1 care to apply for the job ? very good severance package offered........

I'm not taking a substantial pay cut to be abused by a load of Geordies, no matter how good the severence package is.

I'll do it ,as i know absolutely nothing about football ,i'll probably be quite good .

First lesson jimmy.
Football is a game played by 22 men and 53000 referees

Jimmy
Dont let the threads piss you of visit my ERT for some quiet relaxation, PS erics back in town.

Al ,that pitch must get very crowded ,no wonder all the players dive so much ,

driver ,i'm coming over..

i must say i have some sympathy with mr souness. i dont think he was ever accepted by the newcastle fans, inherited a squad full of idiots with discipline problems and had a horrible run of luck with injuries. at least now we shall see shearer put his god-like status on the line. looking forward to seeing him fall flat on his arse.

If he does he'll get a penalty!
;-)

and somehow miraculously recover and take it himself ......

Man goes to see the Doctor:

"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"

"What makes you think that sir?"

"Well.... I've started wearing make up, talking bollocks and can't park the car"

Too accurate to be funny. ;-)

After that joke ,i think it's time for one of these.

jimmy, i've got always time for cuffs :)


and women in costume :)


and fishnets :)



and boots :)



and pigtails :)



not too sure 'bout that there truncheon, though ........

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 kg as soon as possible due to
very serious health risks. As he wondered what in the heck he would ever
do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS
PROGRAM. Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate,
he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed
in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second
thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing,
he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the
way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two
days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself
and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful,sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch
me, you can have me." He's out the door and after her like a shot. This
girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but
when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four
days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day,
he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10kg, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25
kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This
is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt
this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when
he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch
you, you're mine."

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers:


(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.)


PILOT: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
MECHANIC: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


PILOT: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
MECHANIC:Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


PILOT: Something loose in cockpit.
MECHANIC: Something tightened in cockpit.


PILOT: Dead bugs on windshield.
MECHANIC: Live bugs on back-order.


PILOT: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
MECHANIC: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


PILOT: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
MECHANIC: Evidence removed.


PILOT: DME volume unbelievably loud.
MECHANIC: DME volume set to more believable level.


PILOT: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
MECHANIC: That's what they're for.


PILOT: IFF inoperative.
MECHANIC: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


PILOT: Suspected crack in windshield.
MECHANIC: Suspect you're right.


PILOT: Number 3 engine missing.
MECHANIC: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


PILOT: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
MECHANIC: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

ILOT: Target radar hums.
MECHANIC: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


PILOT: Mouse in cockpit.
MECHANIC: Cat installed.


And the best one for last...


PILOT: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
MECHANIC: Took hammer away from midget

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Superb, Baza.
Where do you find 'em?