Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Man goes to see the Doctor:

"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"

"What makes you think that sir?"

"Well.... I've started wearing make up, talking bollocks and can't park the car"

Too accurate to be funny. ;-)

After that joke ,i think it's time for one of these.

jimmy, i've got always time for cuffs :)


and women in costume :)


and fishnets :)



and boots :)



and pigtails :)



not too sure 'bout that there truncheon, though ........

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 kg as soon as possible due to
very serious health risks. As he wondered what in the heck he would ever
do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS
PROGRAM. Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate,
he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed
in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second
thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing,
he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the
way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two
days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself
and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful,sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch
me, you can have me." He's out the door and after her like a shot. This
girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but
when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four
days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day,
he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10kg, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25
kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This
is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt
this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when
he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch
you, you're mine."

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers:


(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.)


PILOT: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
MECHANIC: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


PILOT: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
MECHANIC:Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


PILOT: Something loose in cockpit.
MECHANIC: Something tightened in cockpit.


PILOT: Dead bugs on windshield.
MECHANIC: Live bugs on back-order.


PILOT: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
MECHANIC: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


PILOT: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
MECHANIC: Evidence removed.


PILOT: DME volume unbelievably loud.
MECHANIC: DME volume set to more believable level.


PILOT: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
MECHANIC: That's what they're for.


PILOT: IFF inoperative.
MECHANIC: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


PILOT: Suspected crack in windshield.
MECHANIC: Suspect you're right.


PILOT: Number 3 engine missing.
MECHANIC: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


PILOT: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
MECHANIC: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

ILOT: Target radar hums.
MECHANIC: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


PILOT: Mouse in cockpit.
MECHANIC: Cat installed.


And the best one for last...


PILOT: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
MECHANIC: Took hammer away from midget

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Superb, Baza.
Where do you find 'em?

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL:It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL:The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM:It's not working.

SL:Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL:The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM:Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

.................................
SM:Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day Grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the Grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on the porch!

An amusing one?!!!



Interesting Year 1981:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned? - the next time Charles gets married, someone
warn the Pope !!!

Also in 1981, Geoff Boycott was sacked by Yorkshire Cricket Club.
I was taught a Yorkshire dialect poem that linked the sacking with death of the Polish Pope Jean-Paul I, that I can still remember to this day.
Not at very good poem and not at all an interesting observation, but I might need it as an alibi.
Alan

al - love paul weller too, ive got lot, the jam - funeral pyre, thats entertainment (apparently written on a bus in minutes), lisa radley, down in the tube station, pretty green, ghosts and many many more great songs, style council did some great songs (but not my favourite stage) and many great singles as a solo artist. I do not think he gets the credit he deserves. paul you are fantastic, my hero.

oops sorry if i changed the subject.

As I sit in my office I have a framed copy of The Jams live album, "Dig The New Breed" surrounded by the autographs of Paul Weller, Rick Buckler and Bruce Foxton.
I don't go in for hero worship, but much of my adolesence was devoted to these guys and looking back I think alot of my politics and world view was shaped by their lyrics.
Not really a good thing, and I've changed much since then, but there again, so have they.
By the way. Bruce is doing a great job for "Stiff Little Fingers" these days, if you get a chance to see them and Rick has gone back to being a carpenter but still runs the Jam Fan Club.
Nostalgias not what it used to be.
Alan

And thats the other thing about 1981.
I met "The Jam" backstage at The Hammersmith Odeon that year and thats where I got the autographs.
I offered Paul the poem I mentioned as lyrics for his next song, but he wasn't interested.
Looking back, I can't blame him.
;-)
Alan

You and me both, agree with you about the politics, though paul was an angry young man, i thought he represented the feelings of a lot of people. And absolutely he has mellowed and now writes great lurve songs. i saw the jam in concert concert 3 times, they were suberb. There is a tribute band called the Jamm who supposed to be great, definately going to see them the next time they are in the midlands.

His songwriting from a musical point of view is summed up for me when I try to play some of the greats. The chord progressions he uses are unique and very difficult to play. Most guitarists agree that the progressions he does come up with shouldn't work and should sound awful, but somehow they work beautifully. It is a very difficult style to mimic succesfully, unless you are a very competant musician.
I end up sticking to the ones where he has used a very different style to his normal one such as "The Whole Point of no Return", " 'A' Bomb In Wardour Street" and "English Rose".
Most good guitarists recognise him as a very underated guitarist, for his skill on the fretboard.

yes some peole think they are walking into a strange town when they try to copy him, but thats enetertainment.

This is getting far too serious.
I'm going back to the nostalgia of my poem.
Now how did it start?
Oh, yes.
Twas evening time in t'Vatican,
And t'Pope had gone to bed.
He were laid there reading "Penthouse".............

OR;
This is an ode to "Neon Sign Joe"
Who died when he fell through the letter "O"
We pray the hes gone to a place that is better
Cos he went, like he came, through a hole in a letter.