Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers:


(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.)


PILOT: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
MECHANIC: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


PILOT: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
MECHANIC:Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


PILOT: Something loose in cockpit.
MECHANIC: Something tightened in cockpit.


PILOT: Dead bugs on windshield.
MECHANIC: Live bugs on back-order.


PILOT: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
MECHANIC: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


PILOT: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
MECHANIC: Evidence removed.


PILOT: DME volume unbelievably loud.
MECHANIC: DME volume set to more believable level.


PILOT: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
MECHANIC: That's what they're for.


PILOT: IFF inoperative.
MECHANIC: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


PILOT: Suspected crack in windshield.
MECHANIC: Suspect you're right.


PILOT: Number 3 engine missing.
MECHANIC: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


PILOT: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
MECHANIC: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

ILOT: Target radar hums.
MECHANIC: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


PILOT: Mouse in cockpit.
MECHANIC: Cat installed.


And the best one for last...


PILOT: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
MECHANIC: Took hammer away from midget

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Superb, Baza.
Where do you find 'em?

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL:It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL:The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM:It's not working.

SL:Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL:The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM:Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

.................................
SM:Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day Grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the Grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on the porch!

An amusing one?!!!



Interesting Year 1981:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005:
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned? - the next time Charles gets married, someone
warn the Pope !!!

Also in 1981, Geoff Boycott was sacked by Yorkshire Cricket Club.
I was taught a Yorkshire dialect poem that linked the sacking with death of the Polish Pope Jean-Paul I, that I can still remember to this day.
Not at very good poem and not at all an interesting observation, but I might need it as an alibi.
Alan

al - love paul weller too, ive got lot, the jam - funeral pyre, thats entertainment (apparently written on a bus in minutes), lisa radley, down in the tube station, pretty green, ghosts and many many more great songs, style council did some great songs (but not my favourite stage) and many great singles as a solo artist. I do not think he gets the credit he deserves. paul you are fantastic, my hero.

oops sorry if i changed the subject.

As I sit in my office I have a framed copy of The Jams live album, "Dig The New Breed" surrounded by the autographs of Paul Weller, Rick Buckler and Bruce Foxton.
I don't go in for hero worship, but much of my adolesence was devoted to these guys and looking back I think alot of my politics and world view was shaped by their lyrics.
Not really a good thing, and I've changed much since then, but there again, so have they.
By the way. Bruce is doing a great job for "Stiff Little Fingers" these days, if you get a chance to see them and Rick has gone back to being a carpenter but still runs the Jam Fan Club.
Nostalgias not what it used to be.
Alan

And thats the other thing about 1981.
I met "The Jam" backstage at The Hammersmith Odeon that year and thats where I got the autographs.
I offered Paul the poem I mentioned as lyrics for his next song, but he wasn't interested.
Looking back, I can't blame him.
;-)
Alan

You and me both, agree with you about the politics, though paul was an angry young man, i thought he represented the feelings of a lot of people. And absolutely he has mellowed and now writes great lurve songs. i saw the jam in concert concert 3 times, they were suberb. There is a tribute band called the Jamm who supposed to be great, definately going to see them the next time they are in the midlands.

His songwriting from a musical point of view is summed up for me when I try to play some of the greats. The chord progressions he uses are unique and very difficult to play. Most guitarists agree that the progressions he does come up with shouldn't work and should sound awful, but somehow they work beautifully. It is a very difficult style to mimic succesfully, unless you are a very competant musician.
I end up sticking to the ones where he has used a very different style to his normal one such as "The Whole Point of no Return", " 'A' Bomb In Wardour Street" and "English Rose".
Most good guitarists recognise him as a very underated guitarist, for his skill on the fretboard.

yes some peole think they are walking into a strange town when they try to copy him, but thats enetertainment.

This is getting far too serious.
I'm going back to the nostalgia of my poem.
Now how did it start?
Oh, yes.
Twas evening time in t'Vatican,
And t'Pope had gone to bed.
He were laid there reading "Penthouse".............

OR;
This is an ode to "Neon Sign Joe"
Who died when he fell through the letter "O"
We pray the hes gone to a place that is better
Cos he went, like he came, through a hole in a letter.

New Words for 2006


TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage - What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded administrivia" needless
paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff
member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is
known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a
'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS - Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3am in the morning.

BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where
you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of
drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please"

GREYHOUND - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the
badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to
show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive
when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth
seeing.

MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go
"Oo!Oo!Ho! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're
in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR Cold (weather) - An example of it would be - "It's a bit
Pearl Harbour" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks
like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman

TART FUEL - Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

Talking of tribute bands,, if you ever get the chance ,see the Counterfeit Stones,they were playing near me one weekend and they were fantastic ,,i dragged a mate of mine along who is an avid stones fan and wouldn't come unless i paid for his ticket ,he ended at the front .

My missus has a black flag tattooed on her arse in memory of all the men who went to the front.

i cant believe i just saw stiff little fingers getting a mention on a financial site. they were my heros, still are , frozen in time even though they are still going. i saw them a few times at the manchester apollo. the first time i hung around and met the band , got their autographs on a scarf. it became my treasured possession. the next time they came to manchester i went to get my beloved scarf to go to the gig. i noticed that the autographs had disappeared. i asked my mum about it. she innocently said that she noticed there was writing on the scarf so she stuck it in the wash!!!! i think i threw the strop of all strops that a 15 year old can throw!!
still buy their new stuff , saw them a few years ago at the manchester academy with mr foxton on bass. jake burns' songwriting isn't what it was, the angry fire he had as a young man just doesn't burn as bright.
thanks for the trip down memory lane.

baza , you forgot to mention mumble pants: very tight shorts showing camel toe. you can see the lips moving but you cant hear no c*nt talking!!