Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Phwor, I fancy those on my hood! (I mean the hood of my car of course Jimmy - I am a reformed character).
kim

Food for thought while we are working!!


A father came home and found his three children were outside, still
in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and
wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the
house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had
been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring out a cartoon, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled
on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled
on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile
of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles
of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or
that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle
of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered
inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over
the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over
the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his
wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come
home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Food for thought while we are working!!


A father came home and found his three children were outside, still
in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and
wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the
house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had
been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring out a cartoon, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled
on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled
on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile
of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles
of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or
that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle
of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered
inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over
the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over
the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

For all you ladies out there - that was worth repeating!! ;-)
kim (not quite the chauvinist you may think, well not anymore, not after Johnny has told everyone what my wife said to me yesterday!!)

Why is it that a man who thinks of men as superior, stronger, cleverer and better is a chauvanist pig, yet a woman who thinks that women are so much superior in all these areas is regarded as a feminist and presented as a cause celeb, witty, intelligent, invited on to discussion shows and often given or elected to high office.
Just a thought.
Don't all shout at me. I'm not a chauvanist. Some of my best friends are women. I even married one.
Alan

It is because we would not want to upset them Alan, otherwise they won't cook for us, wash and iron our clothes, look after the kids, do the shopping, bring us our beer and supper, slippers, turn the TV channel to what we want to watch, do the garden, housework - well a bit like Johnny's scenario; worst of all, they will have a sudden headache!
kim

You forgot about picking us up from the pub so we don't have to get a taxi.
Alan

Alan, you are so lucky, I'm still training mine!
kim

I think your all mad , what you need is a strong career woman who earns well ,then when she gets home after work (bringing the takeaway with her) you can finally get off the sofa having watched Wimbledon all day.

The sun is out, the swallows have arrived - everything was great, then Jimmy goes and makes his profound statement: suddenly I'm depressed. Why the hell didn't I think of that?
kim

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the
marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm
gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away
or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had
discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control
she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will
work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on
using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will
work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was the pail and saucer method. After a short delay, he
again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a
follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant.
Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what
went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow
got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied,
the birth control pill but we were camping and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her, "I vaguely remember you
were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I
don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you
explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you".

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I closely watch his eyes, and when his eyes get
as big as saucers........I just kick the pail out from under him".

:))

Many Happy Returns, Bos.
I will be over for the party, bringing a family bag of twiglets and a cheap bottle of Asti Spumanti. ;-)
Alan

noooooo, not more spumanti!!! got a bloody cupboard full of that crap. bring big ron (bacardi) with you and i'll provide the coke 'n' ice.

and crisps

Got a lovely bottle of Havana Club in the cupboard that I brought back from Cuba. (Its the bottle I brought back, not the cupboard.)

that'll do:))

speaking of cuba, just heaved a few havanas out this morning ........

Too much detail!!!!!
We refer to it as "giving birth to a traffic warden".........

Happy birthday Bosley - have as much jelly as you can eat (you have to set a good example now!)

Alan, that is racist. I did not think you were capable of such a remark. Traffic Wardens are the pillars of society.

Scientists have started using traffic wardens instead of rats for many experiments.
There are three reasons:
Traffic wardens are more plentiful than rats.
Scientists get less attached to the traffic wardens than they did to the rats.
There are some things even a rat won't do.

A restaurant full of traffic wardens was held hostage.
The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one traffic warden every hour.

:-)))