Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

jimmy, good point well put!!

I didnt think local kebab shops were all that fussy what meat they sell. Come to think of it is it really meat at all? I only ever eat them at the wrong end of a bacardi bottle.
I do have this vague memory of staggering into my local kebab shop last weekend but no recolection at all of any taste!!!!

Now why can't Jamie Oliver be that interesting, instead of being a pathetic pratt.
Alan

Wasn't it "Tabby Twizzlers" he campaigned against, Al? Or Tortoiseshell Twizzlers, possibly?

Golf Tragedy Averted


Ernesto y El Jefe

At dawn, the telephone rings... "Hello, Senor Smith? This is Ernesto.the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Uh...I'm just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International speaking competition?"

"Si, Senor.that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed the parrot rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor, he ate the meat of your dead horse!"

"Dead horse? What dead horse?!"

"The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Senor Smith. He died from a heart attack pulling the big water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor!"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the...!! There's electricity at the house!! What the hell was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

A long pause of complete silence... "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

Jamie has worked hard on his public profile but he did play it safe with boring school dinners - He really could have pushed the boat out with 100% real meat cat burgers

point taken, but you've got to think about how long it would take to run over enough moggies to keep all those schools supplied. With all of today's urban traffic-calming measures? Never in a million years!

Q: If you were stuck in a room with Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussain and Jamie Oliver and had a gun but only two bullets, what would you do.

A: Shoot jamie Oliver...............twice.

I take it Jamie is not your favourite chef in the world.

Burger make my day.

flippin' 'eck, do i need a drink !!! got a throat as dry as gandhi's flip-flop!!!

's been a bad day.
Tonight, we drink and debauch to a veritable excess and the cathartic process is completed tomorrow by knocking 7 shades of shit out of some poor unsuspecting medium pace bowler, as he spends a hot afternoon chasing a bit of leather round a playing arena.
gentlemans game, you understand. But I always perform at my best when i am in the foulest of tempers and badly hung over.
Alan

Off to bonny Scotland to cool down see you all in a week.

NEWS FLASH

Saddam Hussain has been found guilty of mass genocide and will face the death penalty.

Lampard, Owen & Gerard have been selected for the firing squad!!

NEWS FLASH by Text Message.

It is reported that all asylum seekers, illegal immigrants and foreign nationals spunging off the government have decided to go home. A spokesman said all money will be paid back to the government, houses given back to local councils and stolen property returned. The spokesman also apologised for the behaviour of the minority and assured the press this will never happen again in Great Britian.











Carlsberg don't send text messages, but if they did, they'd probally be the best text messages in the world!!

ingenuity at its best ;))

You should get out more, Bos.

Although I thought the office stamps advertised on the same page were hilarious - something to remember at Christmas if I get stuck for a gift for my brother.

"Alternative" office stamps

soultraders, taking your advice and going out into manchester tonight for a right good piss-up :))

"a good piss-up"
Is there such a thing as a bad piss-up????