Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Golf Tragedy Averted


Ernesto y El Jefe

At dawn, the telephone rings... "Hello, Senor Smith? This is Ernesto.the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Uh...I'm just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International speaking competition?"

"Si, Senor.that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed the parrot rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor, he ate the meat of your dead horse!"

"Dead horse? What dead horse?!"

"The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Senor Smith. He died from a heart attack pulling the big water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor!"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the...!! There's electricity at the house!! What the hell was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

A long pause of complete silence... "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

Jamie has worked hard on his public profile but he did play it safe with boring school dinners - He really could have pushed the boat out with 100% real meat cat burgers

point taken, but you've got to think about how long it would take to run over enough moggies to keep all those schools supplied. With all of today's urban traffic-calming measures? Never in a million years!

Q: If you were stuck in a room with Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussain and Jamie Oliver and had a gun but only two bullets, what would you do.

A: Shoot jamie Oliver...............twice.

I take it Jamie is not your favourite chef in the world.

Burger make my day.

flippin' 'eck, do i need a drink !!! got a throat as dry as gandhi's flip-flop!!!

's been a bad day.
Tonight, we drink and debauch to a veritable excess and the cathartic process is completed tomorrow by knocking 7 shades of shit out of some poor unsuspecting medium pace bowler, as he spends a hot afternoon chasing a bit of leather round a playing arena.
gentlemans game, you understand. But I always perform at my best when i am in the foulest of tempers and badly hung over.
Alan

Off to bonny Scotland to cool down see you all in a week.

NEWS FLASH

Saddam Hussain has been found guilty of mass genocide and will face the death penalty.

Lampard, Owen & Gerard have been selected for the firing squad!!

NEWS FLASH by Text Message.

It is reported that all asylum seekers, illegal immigrants and foreign nationals spunging off the government have decided to go home. A spokesman said all money will be paid back to the government, houses given back to local councils and stolen property returned. The spokesman also apologised for the behaviour of the minority and assured the press this will never happen again in Great Britian.











Carlsberg don't send text messages, but if they did, they'd probally be the best text messages in the world!!

ingenuity at its best ;))

You should get out more, Bos.

Although I thought the office stamps advertised on the same page were hilarious - something to remember at Christmas if I get stuck for a gift for my brother.

"Alternative" office stamps

soultraders, taking your advice and going out into manchester tonight for a right good piss-up :))

"a good piss-up"
Is there such a thing as a bad piss-up????

lovely to be able to sit outside all night drinking and letching. why oh why, sambucca ????
alan, i think there is such a thing as a bad piss-up. i've had a few , but then again, too few to mention. i did what i had to do and saw it through without exemption. i've loved, i've laughed and cried. i've had my fill, my share of losing. and now, as tears subside, i find it all so amusing.

I Think i can probably rattle up a tune to that, Bos!!
We had one of those wonderful cricket matches yeaterday, that reminds me of why i love the sport so much.
We batted first (very badly) and then after tea we started to field. Not for long though as the thunder started big style and the umpire took us off. Unfortunately this meant that 25 blokes had to spend several hours in the bar awaiting instructions as to whether play could resume. it couldn't, so several more hours were passed in the company of Joshua Tetley and his friend jim beam.
Marvellous sport, cricket.

for what is a man, what has he got? if not himself, then he has naught. to say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels. the record shows i took the blows .........and........ they bloody hurt!!!!
alan, i was with mr peroni, mr kronenberg, big ron bacardi, and the boss of all bosses, don sambucca. strangely, i feel perfectly fine.

I must have fallen out with Mr tetley and Mr Beam, because I feel like they mugged me in the car park, and gave me a going over. its the only thing I can think of to account for my memory loss and thumping great headache.
normally such amiable chaps,as well.
I put it to you, sir, that if you are capable of tangling with such fine sportsmen as big Ron and Don Sambuca, there is a place for you in our cricket team. Sometimes the captain bleats about attracting people who have a talent with bat and ball, but this is seen as a secondary qualification by the rest of us.
there is definitely a place in the squad for anyone who can demonstrate the ability to down the equivilent of the output of the Smirnoff factory, sing "My Way" and finish by doing a handstand while whistling "The Song of Solomon" up his trouser leg.
Those whose qualifications are merely bare foot hedgehog juggling should not apply. We've got loads of them.
A distinct bonus would be anyone who can compete in the league ear-wrestling championships, where strong men lock ear to ear, over a table and try to force each others face down into a bowl of live crabs, drawing pins and lit candles, as this is the usual method for deciding the result of a rained off match.
Your CV should be sent to;
The Matron
Rothwell Cricket Club Home for the Dangerously Bewildered,
Leeds
With a recent photo of you staggering down the road drunk, without trousers but wearing a traffic cone on your head at a jaunty angle.