Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Apple have today announced the launch of its new product, the iTIT.
It is a music storage device within a breast implant, therefore 2 means high quality stereo sound. A spokesman for Apple said the product had taken 2 years to develop following a survey Apple did into why the sexes disliked each other. The cheif complaint from women was that men stared at their breasts rather than listening to them. Apple think this will go a long way towards harmony between the sexes.

Well back from Hols to this wet weather. Feeling down as we all tend to after hols.
But then I read the above, re Apple.
Now a smile on my face. My wife thinks it's a snigger.
A musical breast. Great idea.
Thanks Hewittalan6.

Zippy says:

Over the UNDERPASS! UNDER the OVERPASS!
AROUND the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!

The RINSE CYCLE! They've all forgotten the RINSE CYCLE!!

Help.
Its happening again.
The government is (quite rightly) concerned by the amount of crime committed by children and youths. It has asked leading academics to come up with solutions to this problem, and at this point they disappeared into a parallel universe.
This educated bunch of people realised that France, Germany and Canada, among others, have lower youth offending than the UK, so they investigated why. They found that these countries have a much higher age limit for criminal consent. The much vaunted age for knowing right from wrong.
They have suggested ( and I can hardly believe I am reading this) we raise the age of criminal consent to 18. Result; Zero youth crime in the UK. For the simple reason that little johnny having a quiet evening of smashing bus windows, breaking into houses, mainlining heroin and running a knife through the ribs of rival gang members would be incapable, by virtue of being 17, of knowing he was doing wrong and therefore unable to be prosecuted.
He could go back to his state paid for flat that night to his wife and kids, collect his dole the next day and complain bitterly to the police when he finds he has had his mobile nicked by a 19 year old who will now do 5 years for burglary, but he has no responsibility for his own actions!!
I think I spot a flaw. I am no academic, having left school with half a CSE in woodwork, an "O" level in avoiding homework and a post graduate qualification in flicking girls skirts up, but I can see what is wrong here.
Once again, I have a different script to the rest of the world and I find the need to emigrate to Jupiter, or somewhere.
Alan

Alan,

Re your above post. Read same article myself. You mention emigrating to Jupiter! But it does make you think what planet these people are on.
Like you found the article hard to believe.
As is often said, You couldn't make it up.

An example of how to get crime figures down (massaging numbers).
Several years ago our Police Force decided that Burglary and Attempt Burglary figures were too high. They issued instructions that any attempt Burglary was to be recorded as Criminal Damage (a more minor crime not recorded on Government figures if damage less than 200), so if a person was disturbed at for example 3am trying to force a window it was recorded as Damage.
That years figures, obviously Attempt Burglary down.
There are many such examples of figure massaging (no not the female type).

I dispair where this country of ours is heading.
OK now I have depressed myself, have to re-read those funnies again posted a few days back, to cheer myself up.

There again several hoodies have just run past. I will see if I can catch one to give him/her a hug. That will I am sure give me the feel good factor.

What a surprise. Our rulers (MPs) have put themselves above the law by voting themselves as the only section of our society to be outside the Right To Freedom and Information act. They say it's to protect private documents.
I say and most others I am sure will agree, that the main reason is to keep secret their expense claims. To claim these expenses they are not required to produce receipt but their claims are taken on trust. Just imagine if we all tried to claim expenses on trust.
So much for democracy. Politics in this country stinks with corruption. OK we have not yet sunk to the depths that some countries political leaders have, but we are well down the slippery slow. And they wonder why turn outs on election days are so low.
Perhaps another gunpowder plot is needed, (only joking). Have to go now the thought Police are at the door.

Al, LMAO - which is better than crying as surely that's the only other thing one could do!

Never mind, we won't all die at the hands of what were formally known as criminals because according to today's Indy global warming is likely to accelerate so fast that it'll wipe most of us out within a few years anyway. Or something.

But before the waters do finally rise to cover the hills and the sun fries us all to crisps, buy GOC. 120p right now, 230 by next August. You read it here.

I am thinking of opposing Gordon Brown for leadership of the Labour party and being Prime Minister.
My manifesto is simple. I will sack every MP and leave the running of the country to the civil service, who would be directed on policy every week by a random bloke from a country pub, wearing a dodgy cardigan.
He could visit Whitehall once a week and answer the issues.
Should we lower the age of criminal consent? NO
Are there enough toll roads? YES
Release loads of prisoners early? NO
Force NHS managers into Siberian salt mines? YES
Then he can waddle off back to his boozer, knowing the country was going where the vast majority of the citizens wanted it to go and we would save 650 salaries and inflated expenses claims.
In short my manifesto is for an end to committees and cabinets.
One reasonable bloke with a hint of common sense. A single visionary mind gave us things like the Mini, relativity, the 1812 overture and a welfare state.
Committees gave us the CSA, congestion charging and Birmingham.
I have only one proposal for a law. That if anyone makes a suggestion like the one about lowering the age of criminal consent, we have the right to insert a garden strimmer in their underpants.
And switch it on.

Alan,

Go for it man. You have my vote.
The problem you will have is you speak sense, so no change of winning. The establishment won't let you.

Democracy rules OK.

Good grief, its started!!
I know this is turning into a personal rant but.............
Next time you see a large number of hooded youths liberally applying spraypaint to anything that doesn't move and mugging anything that does you must not call them "a gang".
Our lentil eating betters in the PC brigade have told us that this may offend the poor little sensitive things. (This is true, please see todays news)
The search is now on for a new collective noun for them. The same bearded an be-sandalled PC types have told us that "group" is acceptable. My suggestions include; A misery of Hoodies An Illiteracy of Hoodies A Want of intelligence A Criminality of Youths
I would be interested to hear the thoughts of the intellectually superior PC mob on my suggestions, and any more appropriate collective nouns you lot can think of.

On the subject of the PC lot. Have you ever noticed how the anti-fur brigade are happy to throw paint over young ladies in fur coats, but inexplicably forget to do the same to gangs of Hells Angels in leather and fur? Strange.
Alan

Alan,

There are so many corrupt practices in politics that if you want to vote for a democratic party, you have a problem. There isn't one!
There is corruption wherever you look.
Taking your views above seriously, re the Political Correct Brigade.(And yes I do believe it).
If you are thinking of standing as a future MP you will need a fund raiser.
If you wish you can retain my services.
If you are interested please contact me at Aluvinghoodydogoodingliberalite@hotmail.con or send an open cheque to
D P..........
Fantasy Cottage,
Head in Clouds Lane,
Land Of Nod,
East Yorks.
RU2B DIM

Trust me I used to be in finance, and insurance. I'm also a Fairly Straight Sort Of Guy.(apologies to Tony Blair re copyright).

Q What would you call your new party?

Alan,

Perhaps appropriate collective nouns could be harassing hoodies, harum-scarum hoodies, heinous hoodies or even helluva hoodie.

Greek, I'm in that business right now, so I'm at least as good at being honest and trustworthy, with the added advantage I can prove it to the FSA!!! (Honest)
I would love to see any MP with balls big enough to say it as it is. I am certain they would win a landslide, even with the hand wringers attacking them.
Phoney Tony got his biggest support when he stood and said, very often, "I would love to put money in to solve education / health / law & order, but I don't have enough to do it all at once".
It now needs someone to do the same with PC. Someone who can say "sod your idealism. We can never change people in a short space of time. This is the reality of it."
Look at the business successes we have all invested in. Can anyone, hand on heart, say they were not led by a strong individual who did not care who he upset, providing he made a success of it? UK PLC is the same.
As for a name, how about Fascists"r"us, since I would be labelled that by some arse of a sociology professor in Surrey.
I would love to hear suggestions for a manifesto. I would definitely make it a condition of any liberal studies degree that 1 year was spent as a copper in Tower Hamlets or Peckham or Handsworth.
Suggestions?

Bluelady,
On consideration, and being a traditionalist, I think I prefer the old collective noun of "Mindless Thugs", but that would have me arrested for some sort of incitement charge.

Alan

Actually Alan I was thinking of the combination of 'h' words for hoodies and the first one which popped into my mind was headless hoodies. So yours is by far the nicer one for these thugs.

Alan, Have you really seen Hells Angels wearing fur? Leather is a by-product of the meat industry, animals killed for fur are only used for fur. If protestors were to throw paint at leather wearers most would have to throw paint at there own shoes.

Alan,

I fully agree with your comment Tell things as they are.
I also firmly believe that if politicians were to hold their hands up when mistakes are made,"Sorry I got it wrong", they would gain respect and votes.
Can't remember what it was for but Arnie Schwarzenegger the Californian Governor admitted a mistake in policy, did a U turn and became even more popular. I fail to understand politicians who when in the face of overwhelming evidence fail to admit mistakes.

Yep. Very fashionable dangling from the helmet or as a trim collar on denim I believe.
Much other fur is a by product of the meat industry, including coney (rabbit - delicious). Animals slaughtered for fur alone then go on to provide ingrediants for pet food, farm feed, fertiliser and even sweets, as well as cosmetics and industrial use greases etc.
Anyway, what gives people a right to commit criminal acts, like dumping horse shit outside a restaurant or chucking paint around, just because they do not like anothers choice of clothing / diet?? I'd love to see the reaction if someone dangled a dead pig outside a muslim eating house.
And thats kind of the point. When those who do not like fur or eating meat are in the majority, the trade will stop due to losing money. Till then I will happily munch on a Koala Burger sprinkled with ground puffin and put my feet up on an alpaca rug. (I don't wear fur cos it is tragically ugly).
But in the meantime, will minorities please stop preaching to majorities and accept their views are marginal.
Alan

I didn't say anyone had a right to commit criminal acts, just pointing out leather is very different to the type of fur coats that a minority throw paint at.

Didn't think you did for a moment , Frampton.
You're right leather is very different to the fur coats, but I suggest that mink farms originally used mink for other purposes and the fur is actually the by product. Also Rabbit and other animals. I also agree that endangered species should be protected but the protesters have drawn an arbitory line and said all animals on this side are noble, or cute and cuddly and their meat / fur should not be used. We couldn't care less about those on the other side, such as sheep and pigs.
A dose of realism.
I once had a long chat with a committed vegetarian, who claimed their diet was due to vegetarian ideals. I pointed out they happily drink milk and wear leather shoes. They claimed this was not at the expense of an animals life and so it was fine. It must be pointed out that milk comes only from cows that have given birth in the last 12 months or so. What did they think happened to the cute little male calf? Shoes and burgers was the answer, as a by product of them getting a glass of milk and a cheese sandwich.
Anyway, I am a bit biased on this because I like my beer brown, my cigs high tar and my steak still mooing, but I don't visit my local vegetarian cafe and dump loads of cabbage stalks outside. ;-)
Alan