Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Oh boy, it's even more fun when you click on both but not at the same time :)

trying to edit it but it's all going wronggggggggggggggggggggggggg

Blimey quadromania :)

sussed it :)))

Just back of my hols, folks, and what a time we've had.
Missed all the excitement and danger of the markets, but attempted to replace it by taking some lions for a walk in Mauritius.
No, really. I did.
Lions had a lot in common with my stockbroker and the markets, being savage predators and totally unpredictable, leaving you badly mauled just for a bit of sport or dragging you to the pack to have your bones picked clean, but it was fantastic fun and comes highly recommended for next time you pop out to Mauritius.
Anyway back to the humdrum of life, though the eldest daughter had a glimpse of my working day while we were in the Maldives as she went scuba diving with sharks. I have written to school proposing that this qualify as her work experience for when she leaves and joins the family business.
Good to be back.
Alan

Sounds good Alan! Gives a whole new meaning to lying on the beach...............lion on the beach?!

'savage predators and totally unpredictable, leaving you badly mauled '

I'm trying to have an extension and new kitchen built at present - that's a good description of the architects, builders and kitchen firms I've come across!

Is it just me, or has anyone else had similar problems?

This you, Alan?

No, but it is exactly what we did!!!
Which site did you find that on??
Alan

It was on the 'Actors portraying What Alan Hewitt did on his Holiday site'!
.
.
. Not really!

Its here, but in Zimbabwe, not Mauritius.

http://www.travelblog.org/Africa/Zimbabwe/Victoria-Falls/blog-51345.html

">

the great man may be dead but this voice will live forever. always a pleasure to hear him sing. forza pavarotti !!

Indeedy

'ow do :)

one of my favourites.

">

Areet ta :)

'ows tha' fettlin' ?

Can't tell you on here ;)

I cannot believe how rude some service staff are...............
I got a phone call from a close family friend (Mrs Pavarotti) this morning to tell me her husband had died and could I arrange a funeral for him.
I phoned the co-op and asked if they could arrange a massive funeral for a tenor and they told me to get real, f*** off and hung up on me!!!

lol

bosley, that was lovely. Heathen that I am - what was it?

edit - found it.

This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts which contains things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan !

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Nice one bos !!