Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Areet ta :)

'ows tha' fettlin' ?

Can't tell you on here ;)

I cannot believe how rude some service staff are...............
I got a phone call from a close family friend (Mrs Pavarotti) this morning to tell me her husband had died and could I arrange a funeral for him.
I phoned the co-op and asked if they could arrange a massive funeral for a tenor and they told me to get real, f*** off and hung up on me!!!

lol

bosley, that was lovely. Heathen that I am - what was it?

edit - found it.

This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts which contains things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan !

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Nice one bos !!

Played golf with the wife this weekend and got very badly injured.
Not sure what happend but I woke up in casualty with a 5 iron round my neck and a golf ball in my ear.
The last thing I remember was teeing off at 11th, and we both sliced the ball into a cow field.
After 10 minutes of looking for our balls, I found one jammed in a cows arse, and after inspecting it I turned to the wife and said, "This one looks like yours".
Blank then until casualty.
Dangerous game, golf.

the funniest thing i think i have ever seen :))))

Hi Hewittalan6,

Great joke. Don't want to steal your thunder, so wont cut/paste, but can I suggest you put this on the Joke Thread as well.

Cheers Greekman.

Another 'You couldn't make it up story'.

About 6 months ago my wife and myself were left a bit of money in a will.
Like most people the deceased had appointed a Solicitor as sole executor.
Within the first 2 months everything appeared to be proceeding OK. We then found out that requests made by the solicitor to certain banks/building societies re account details had not been replied to. The solicitor finally admitted (after 5 e-mails and phone calls) to having not chased these inquiries up for 6 weeks. After multiple requests for info re the proceedings and being stone walled, we made a formal written complaint to both a building society and the solicitors firm. The building society admitted being partly at fault and within 3 days agreed compensation.

I received a reply from the solicitors stating they only have responsibility to the executor with a far lesser responsibility to any beneficiary and requesting I ring the firms senior partner.

The following conversation took place. Presumably the senior partner thought he was talking to a complete layman, (I have had some criminal law training, which sometimes overlaps with civil law).

Me, "Good morning you asked me to ring you re the will of.........".
Sol, "Yes, I wanted to explain that our responsibility in the main is to the client, and not a beneficiary".
Me, "Who is the client".
Sol, "The executor".
(I knew this from my own legal criminal training).
Me, "Can you confirm you are the sole executor".
Sol, "Yes, I can confirm that".
Me, "So are you saying that you are your own client".
Sol, "Yes, I am".
Me, "So you are in fact saying that you are mainly responsible to yourself, as sole client".
Sol, (Getting a bit stroppy) "If you are going to put it like that"
Me, "I'm only repeating what you said, surely the person who made the will is also a client".
Sol, "Yes, they are the initial client, but when they die they are no longer a client".
Me, "But before you can act with reference to a will, the maker of that will has to die".
Sol, "Yes"
Me, "I'm not happy with the situation and will be forwarding my complaint to the Law Society".
Sol, "I'm not discussing this further". He then put the phone down.

With 3 days of this threat re the Law Society, I had received all the info I had been requesting for several weeks. Once in possession of this info it only took 3 more days to fully conclude the matter. Funny how they can get their expensive fingers out when it suites them.



The facts are if a solicitor is sole executor for a will, they are their own client, and their main responsibility is to themselves. The deceased seizes to be a client on their death. This has been confirmed by the Legal Complaints Service. They also agreed that the solicitor had dragged their feet and were negligent on none replies to information requests, but surprise, surprise not to the extent of compensation.
The person I spoke to at the Law Society, agreed with me that if I had been named an executor, the process (7 months in total) would have probably been shortened by a couple of months.

The fees worked out at over 200 per hour, which believe it or not is classed as reasonable.

It is not in a solicitors interest to process things speedily.

No wonder the publics opinion of solicitors is at such a low level.

Todays 2 topics of conversation are health and education.
Health. I read today that there are calls to ban 6 additives in food. I wish to start my own campaign against this move. They may be harmful to health, but at my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
Education. I read yesterday that there are proposals for children to set their own work, both in the class and at home, and the to mark their own work, including examinations.
As a move to improve examination results I can see the benefit.
I also attended my daughters work experience night, where we were informed that the school cannot sort it all out, so as parents we must.
The 2 made me wonder what teachers actually do now. If I am right in my reading of proposals and current situation, they neither set work, nor mark it. They are left with free periods every week in order to to set and mark work. They do not organise out of school activities. We do the work experience and field trips are organised by outsourced agencies who take legal responsibility. They perform no playground duties and to help them with this onerous workload we employ classroom assistants.
Of course the workload is so great they are only contracted for 30 hours per week, and get 13 weeks of holidays. So demanding is the position that they get an extra week every year where their customers are banished so they can train.
What they train on is a closely guarded secret, but I suspect coffee and looking busy feature very heavily.
I think I am experiencing a desire for career change.
Alan

Hmmm?

Only 13 weeks, you say?

I think I prefer retirement.

:-)

Hi Alan,

Health....As you are hinting at old age can I suggest the best preservative is alcohol. I read somewhere that the best way to preserve meat (IE including ourselves of course) is by pickling. So if you drink beer/spirits almost continually you obviously become permanently picked.

Edukasion....I alsow red same artikle: I fink its grate. Peraps it kan be hextended to job interveiws; After al if pupils are alowed to set and marc there own exams. whi not. It culd bekom a good skript for a Ponty Pyfon scetch' with the interviewei/interviewer as one wif a swapping of chaires rouwnd a table,

Obviousley I wood give myself an A pluss for spelling and grammar.
As is often said, You couldn't make it up.

If we could all award ourselves marks and grades I wonder who would have what..........
Bernard Manning with a BA in etiquette
Prince Philip with a doctorate in Diplomacy
Robert Mugabe with a PHD in Humanities
The Money AM staff with a CSE grade 5 in IT. No thats just too ridiculous

But Alan think of the money the country would save if this idea was extended.
It's all about trust, truth and honesty after all.

No doubt there are many other ideas as equally as stupid, for example.

Immigrants could complete legal entry forms and assess the results themselves, thus putting the onus on them to decide if they should be allowed in or not.
Convicted criminals could choose their own punishments.
MPs could decide their own salaries (OK forget that one).

Now the flood gates are open.

Just had a wonderful thought of how this new "test yourself" idea could play out.
Stevie Wonder comes to the UK and passes himself as a driving instructor.
The DTI recognise he has a disability and so as an underpriveliged person he receives numerous grants to start his business.
The treasury (a la NRK) offer to pay all his petrol costs due to precedents set.
The health and safety board spot the very obvious problem and ask for the license recinding. They see that he would be a grave danger to his pupil as when he turned his head to look around his hair braids could cause bruising by whipping the pupils face.
The Race relations council declare this to be racist against rastafarians and Cherie Blair makes several Squillion quid fighting it in the european court of human rights.
Now I understand the machinations of government and the complex thinking behind new ideas!
Alan

Quiet on here.

Saw in the paper that the metropolitan police are looking for a middle aged man. He is wanted for taking fabulously gorgeous models to nightclubs, getting them blind drunk and then spending the night assaulting their honed bodies with outrageous and deviant sexual acts.
I gave them a ring but they shouted at me that it wasn't a job advert.

For golfers, a definition of a fluke shot known as the "sister in law" - you got it up there, but know you shouldn't have.