Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

If we could all award ourselves marks and grades I wonder who would have what..........
Bernard Manning with a BA in etiquette
Prince Philip with a doctorate in Diplomacy
Robert Mugabe with a PHD in Humanities
The Money AM staff with a CSE grade 5 in IT. No thats just too ridiculous

But Alan think of the money the country would save if this idea was extended.
It's all about trust, truth and honesty after all.

No doubt there are many other ideas as equally as stupid, for example.

Immigrants could complete legal entry forms and assess the results themselves, thus putting the onus on them to decide if they should be allowed in or not.
Convicted criminals could choose their own punishments.
MPs could decide their own salaries (OK forget that one).

Now the flood gates are open.

Just had a wonderful thought of how this new "test yourself" idea could play out.
Stevie Wonder comes to the UK and passes himself as a driving instructor.
The DTI recognise he has a disability and so as an underpriveliged person he receives numerous grants to start his business.
The treasury (a la NRK) offer to pay all his petrol costs due to precedents set.
The health and safety board spot the very obvious problem and ask for the license recinding. They see that he would be a grave danger to his pupil as when he turned his head to look around his hair braids could cause bruising by whipping the pupils face.
The Race relations council declare this to be racist against rastafarians and Cherie Blair makes several Squillion quid fighting it in the european court of human rights.
Now I understand the machinations of government and the complex thinking behind new ideas!
Alan

Quiet on here.

Saw in the paper that the metropolitan police are looking for a middle aged man. He is wanted for taking fabulously gorgeous models to nightclubs, getting them blind drunk and then spending the night assaulting their honed bodies with outrageous and deviant sexual acts.
I gave them a ring but they shouted at me that it wasn't a job advert.

For golfers, a definition of a fluke shot known as the "sister in law" - you got it up there, but know you shouldn't have.

Naughty.
What about the short put being a Denis Wise........a nasty little four footer
Or the bad shot that scuttles being a Paula Radcliffe........not much to look at but a hell of a runner.

Thought we all might need cheering up;

**SMART ARSED ANSWER 5 **

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you
like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

**SMART ARSED ANSWER 4 **

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she
said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

**SMART ARSED ANSWER 3 **
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

**SMART ARSED ANSWER 2 ***
*The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid replied,
"Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

**SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR **
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write
the exam with your other hand.

:)

"><

some classic comedy from a master of "tellin' 'em" :D

Little Johnny is staying over at his grandmother's house. He's downstairs eating some icecream when he hears his grandmother calling for him to come upstairs. Up he goes into the bedroom where he finds his grandma bent over.

"Johnny, I need you to do me a favour and help me put this suppository in. "

She hands little Johnny the pill. Johnny has a look.

" Grandma, do you want me to shove it into the brown hole or should I put it in the turkey's mouth? "

Todays news states that the RAF have lost a dummy bomb. They have no idea whether they lost it from the tornado jet it was attached to (with a bit of blue tack) over the sea or land, or even which country it may have fallen on. I assume from this it was a training exercise being run by the USAF, as it is an improvement over there attempts which cannot be certain which continent they drop real bombs on.
The bomb is 2 and a half feet long and made from concrete, painted blue. An RAF spokesman said it was not a danger to the public, so volunteers please to have this dropped on their head from 20000 feet to prove the spokesman right.
Once again, I really wish I were making the news up, I really do. It wouldn't be nearly as funny, but it would be a lot less scary.
I'm off back to live on planet Alan, where things actually make sense.

50 years since the "Sputnik" was launched.... How big a moment was that!!

A friend of mine in Zimbabwe has told me of a terrible accident he saw yesterday.
A car driven by a black Zimbabwean, was driven straight at a white couple and their child, at high speed. The woman was crushed into the bonnet, the man smashed through the windscreen and the child was catapulted 50 feet through the air.
The police were very efficient though and have charged the woman with criminal damage, the man with breaking and entering and the child with leaving the scene of an accident.
Robert Mugabe is very upset about the incident, apparantly and has launched an immediate investigation into how three white people were in his country.

i'll be there on sunday, stinking of hawaian tropic, a cold moretti in one hand and a philip morris in the other :))) ah ..... heaven.

Florida Law Enforcement
It's good hearing about top quality police work. Florida got it right. Bravo for Sheriff Grady Judd!!!
As reported earlier this week, some dirt-bag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here's the kicker:

Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times.

Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel, 'That's all the bullets we had.'

AIM Shares.

I presume (although I cant find confirmation) that the removal of the Taper Tax Relief from shares puts shares on the AIM in the same bracket as on the main markets when it comes to CGT.
If so, one of the main reasons why many punters buy/sell AIM shares has been removed at a stroke, although presumably they still don't count regarding IHT, but do they.
As with all things put out by this spin laden, immoral government, there is always devil in the detail.
Any comments?

Annoying Advert on Stockwatch,

I have sent an E-Mail to Moneyam re the above and received the usual prompt reply, although they state, "Unfortunately, there is no way to disable this I am afraid. We will however be slowing the animation down in due course.

We do try to balance the needs of our customers against the needs of our advertisers, and I apologies for any inconvenience this may cause".

I was considering upgrading to Terminal, but am now reconsidering.
Anyone out there on terminal, who can tell me if the ad shows on there.

Thought this thread was more appropriate than the bugs/problem thread.

just move the page across so you cannot see the thing

Hi Maddoctor,

Thanks, I've now done that. Did not think about it till someone else suggested it, just before you. (I'm to computers what Pavarotti was to ballet dancing).
Still find it annoying, probably my age. My son says I'm in the grumpy old man era, but there again I always have been.

I've adjusted my page now, too - couldn't figure out how to do it this morning, when I complained on the Bugs/Enhancements thread (and my tech-support son has abandoned us for uni).

The Terminal doesn't show all the columns - at least not the way mine are set up - so you can go ahead and upgrade Greekman.

Toya,

Thanks for that. Will consider giving it a try.