Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Another insider report by Thadeus Dipfinger.............

The rumours concerning HBOS yesterday were undoubtedly false, but I have it on good authority, from an un-named source, that another bank is making secretive moves to shore up its capital.
My source, a senior broker, tells me that Bradford and Bingley are very short on money and do not wish to go to the BoE for funds in case they do a Northern Rock.
Instead they have hatched a cunning plan and put in an audacious bid to buy DFS the furniture retailer.
They have calculated that the average settee has about 2.37 in loose change down the back of it and with all the settees DFS have, this will give B&B about 23m of free money. In a further twist it turns out that a bonus will be the average 6 pens in each settee means that the branches can cut their stationary spend and can also make a few quid selling lots of lost TV remotes on Ebay.
The broker tells me he is not sure the deal will happen, but as a hedge has short sold B&B and gone long on DFS.
He urges you all to do the same. He has told us that the deal will be announced on 1st April, but he has booked to sell his DFS and buy his B&B back on 31st March because he goes on holiday to the Indian Ocean that day.

Your priceless.LOL.

Yep, another classic Alan!

Just return from 2 weeks hols, wondering if the morality standard, sensibility and intelligence of posts on this thread had improved. Great to see nothing has changed. Still the smutty, low moralistically bankrupt, politically incorrect, sexually depraved, psychopathic bunch are still posting. Obviously the above is not aimed at any particular individual, but how have you been Alan.

Don't recognise your description of the thread, greek, I must say, but welcome back.

How was the security at the airport?

Welcome back, Greek.
I recognised the people you were describing and I am astonished Ian has never banned himself.
Thankfully the stuff you described is balanced by sane and thoughtful postings, provoking intelligent adult debate.
And to make my point;
With reference to Oblos post i would like to make a wise and salient observation, one that is satirical and cuts to the very heart of post 20th century communitys neo-political views. Look at the hooters on that !!!

Sexist remark Alan, tit tit, shame on you.

Welcome home Greek!

By our Political correspondant Brian O'Hanrahanrahanrahan;

At a time when the UK desperately needs to boost consumer spending in support of a flagging economy, they have decided to embark on a wide reaching policy of change for the retail services industry.
In an attempt to free up cash flow and encourage spending the minister for rank stupidity, Colin Titmus (MP for somewhere uninhabited) is pressing forward with a bill to stop shops displaying for sale anything that people might want to buy. Step one is to ban shops from showing that they sell things like cigarettes and tobacco, by having them behind closed doors, but this is only the start.
They are in discussion with Sainsburys about putting the dairy produce, and processed foodstuffs in shuttered cabinets and having alcohol in a seperate building altogether. There are also plans to legislate for KFC and McDonalds to only be allowed drive throughs with no vehicle access, and no tables or chairs in their dining rooms.
Titmus says he has support from both the health lobby, and people who have no lives of their own and are concerned others are enjoying themselves. A suprising supporter is the junior minister for illegal imports and contraband who thinks it will boost trade in his sector massively.
Titmus points to prohibition in 20's America and how it brought a massive increase in the number of firms in Chicago and foreign investment from Sicily and thinks the same could happen here. I raised the spectre of the St Valentines day massacre and Titmus said a few dead businessmen was nothing compared to the number of people who might see cigarettes for sale and perhaps buy some, maybe.
On the way it might affect business I consulted Thadeus Dipfinger, our city editor, but he was too busy selling his retail shares in order to book a few channel crossings to help me.
The minister, meanwhile, is booking a trip of his own. He is due to go factfinding in Afghanistan to see how retailers cope with nothing at all on their shelves.
It is clear from his oratory, that the biggest dangers facing youth today is not gun crime, the inability to find somewhere to live, unemployment from a crumbling economy, cheap drugs or being needlessly slaughtered by some bloke with 20lb of semtex strapped to his back. It is the knowledge that shops sell things like tobacco that might make you a bit unhealthy in 50 years time.
The minister deserves our full support. I propose we support him with a noose from a tall lamp post.

Obituary

It is with great sadness we announce the death of mathematics in this country.
The country that gave the world Newton and his "Principia" has a teaching union incapable of simple sums.
You may laugh, but the mathematical education of an entire nations next generation is in the hands of a profession that are demanding a pay rise of "3000 or 10% for every teacher. Whichever is the greater."
I propose that if the maths department cannot work out which is the greater, or the english department cannot describe their demands in a more accurate way, then a career change may be in order.
It will contain 5 training days a year to learn to say, "Would you like fies with that?"

Pot calling the kettle black.

To avoid bloodshed the Tibetan general at Yetung pledged that if the Tibetans make no attack upon the British, no attack should be made by the British on them. Colonel Younghusband on December 6, 1903 replied that we are not at war with Tibet and that, unless we are ourselves attacked, we shall not attack the Tibetans. [38]

Despite the mutual agreement, the British expedition did take the lives of a few thousand unprepared Tibetan soldiers and civilians. The biggest massacre took place on March 31, 1904 at a mountain pass halfway to Gyantse near a village called Guru. Colonel Younghusband tricked the 2,000 Tibetan soldiers guarding the pass into extinguishing the burning ropes of their basic rifles before firing at them with the Maxim machine guns and rifles. The Tibetan casualty, according to Younghusbands account, was 500 killed and wounded. [39] Others have claimed that the Tibetan casualty was as high as 1,300.

We are ruled by a Stalinist at the head of a surveillance socialist state constantly interfering uselessly in people's lives. The population has sleepwalked into this and doesn't even realise what is happening.
Come back Tory twits, all is forgiven - well almost.
I'm all for discouraging smoking but social engineering by a government of hypocritical self seeking f uns uckers is unbearable.

Not for nothing is she known as "Red" Dawn Primarolo.

So the FSA have declared they are to get tough on insider dealing and other shenanigans (no that's not small Irish investors) in the markets.

Well I am thinking of starting an inquiry into my wifes spending budget and expenses. I stand about as much chance as the FSA have in getting a result.
They have about as much bite as a rottweiler with no teeth, (that's the FSA not the wife).
The USA system of policing their financial systems, although nowhere near perfect is far better than ours. They put fear into their systems, our pathetic FSA are good for a laugh but little else.
Until things are sorted we the PI's will always be playing against a loaded dice.

I have not read much how the change in CGT will effect the market at year end.
You have the lower level of CGT after the 5th, balanced against the loss of taper relief.
No doubt shares traded on the AIM will be the most volatile, due to that extra taper relief benefit being lost.
My feeling is that volumes traded on the 5th April could easily be of huge proportions with a similar turnover of volume on the 6th. A bit like the effect the bed and breakfast system used to have on these dates.

Would appreciate other views, comments.

Still would appreciate other views, either agreeing or not.

Don't forget 5th is Saturday! Changes flagged up reasonably in advance, so don't see why there should be last minute panic.

Greek,
I have been seeking clarification on what is likely to happen from the government, the treasury and the select committees.
Below are the astonishingly truthful answers they sent me.
Hope they help.

1) Remember the 5th April may or may not happen this year. It is by no means certain, though we appreciate how critical it is to know this so we have set up a Royal Commission to investigate the liklihood of such a date and they are due to report in September.

2)Pamphlets are being prepared explaining the regime changes, but due to a typing error these will not be available in anything except hindi until June, therefore we only expect minor selling in Dheli.

3) The treasuries official stance on this is that it is good for the working class families of Britain. Those not on any benefits will benefit enormously (both of them) and they couldn't care less about anyone else.

4) When asked, the FSA said "How should we know? we've only just worked out that the Northern Rock hasn't actually had more than the petty cash to lend out for the last few years. Just get on with it and if it turns out to be wrong, we'll prosecute the life out of everybody later. if we ever have anyone other than the cleaner spare to investigate, but shes likely to be assessing toxic loan exposure to Guernsey for the next few years".

5) Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment as he is busy counting votes in a polling station in Harare, but Tony Blair said he was aware of the problem and had suggested Labour get tough on April, tough on the causes of April, and was prepared to set up an enquiry as soon as he found someone who knew nothing about tax and owed him a favour.

6) Alistair Darling refused to comment, saying it was not a treasury issue, it was for the Bank of England, or The FSA, or the ECB, or the White Fish Authority, but not him. Never, no way, Christ don't I have enough on my plate.

Also had a reply from David Cameron, and one from the LibDems, but th signature on that one cannot be made out, though it does say party leader. I checked with LibDem house and they said they were not sure who the leader was today but were having a meeting to try and find out;

Tories are saying they don't understand the question, but it must be a stealth tax as they haven't thought up another name to slander it by, and their way would be better, please vote for us.
LibDems are saying both other ways are right and both are wrong, and they will work with any party that is in power to put it right by taxing milk bottles or something, providing they can have one of those little red boxes and a ministerial Jag to share.

Last one, promise..............

I've just had a note slipped under my door, made up of cut out newspaper print, saying that for 6000 in easily negotiated, used currency in a brown envelope left in the gents at Kings Cross, there are over 500 MP's willing to answer my questions. The rest are on holiday.
Alternatively, a 0%, dateless, 20 year loan of 12million to labour party funds gets me any change to the tax law I want and free sausage rolls at the Buck house garden parties, plus lifetime membership of the cronies club and a crummy title.
Tempting......................