Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

I've got a very rare book of Stanley Holloway monologues, and they are fantastic.
Remember Albert and the lion????

Here you are Alan, the man himself. Great stuff.

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And here he is again - Old Sam and Young Albert (Pick up Tha musket)

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Brought a tear to my eye, Oblo.
That was entertainment!!!!
The book is one of all his monolougues, now sadly out of print, but there is a lesser known one in there about (if I recall) Noah trying to buy some wood from a Yorkshire timber merchant who won't negotiate the price and ends up having to swim when the floods come.
Wonderful, and very funny if done in the right accent.
Alan

My apologies.
Just dug the book out of my library and the character is from Bury.
He is called Sam Oglethwaite.
The Story is called Three 'apence a foot.

'ere tis:-

http://wuff.me.uk/monologues/P10.html

The following are computerised images showing the amount of debris in space around planet Earth:

The final frontier teeming with man-made rubbish: The incredible pictures of 'space junk' swirling round Earth's orbit
By MICHAEL HANLON
Last updated at 00:55am on 15th April 2008

From http://www.dailymail.co.uk/....

Not only our atmosphere and oceans are being polluted by billions of pieces of junk.

As these computer-generated images show, Mankind's seemingly insatiable desire to litter has now extended out into space, with potentially devastating results.

Rocket scientists call it 'orbital debris'; everyone else calls it space junk. And it is becoming a problem.

The computer-generated images show the mass of swirling debris that has formed around the Earth

We put our first object into space just 51 years ago - Sputnik One.

But in just half a century we have created a swarm of perhaps tens of millions of items of debris, all circling around the planet - rubbish through which the 600-odd operating satellites, one space station, one space telescope, an occasional space shuttle, interplanetary probe and Soyuz rockets have to negotiate a safe passage.

As the images show, these form distinct rings and spheres around Earth.

Most hug close to the surface, 200-300 miles up in low-earth-orbit, where they pose a potentially deadly hazard to astronauts and their spacecraft before they burn up in the atmosphere, usually a few months later.

About 50 per cent of all trackable objects are due to in-orbit explosion events or collisions

Millions more swing round in 'geostationary' orbits, more than 20,000 miles up where they remain.

The debris consists of derelict spacecraft and dead satellites, bits of rocket casing, pieces of metal ejected during collisions and docking procedures, nuts and bolts, dropped tools, frozen lumps of rocket fuel and human waste material from manned spacecraft.

In 1965, during the first U.S. space walk, the Gemini 4 astronaut Edward White, lost a glove.

For a month, the glove stayed on orbit at a speed of 17,500mph, becoming the most dangerous garment in history until it burnt up in the atmosphere a few months later.

The geostationary ring, at an altitude of about 36 000 km. This orbit is heavily used by telecommunication satellites

The Russian Mir space station generated more than 200 plastic bags of rubbish, simply thrown into space. And in 1994, when a Pegasus unmanned rocket blew up, it created more than 300,000 fragments more than an eighth of an inch across.

Amazingly, Nasa and other agencies have catalogued much of this debris, piece by piece. Objects as small as a tenth of an inch or so can be tracked by the radar of the U.S. Space Surveillance Network.

Space junk is important because it is so deadly. Even tiny flecks of paint are travelling fast enough - tens of thousands of miles an hour - that should they hit the International Space Station, for example, they could easily put a dent in the skin or even crack a window.

If the tiniest nut or bolt were to collide with a space-walking astronaut, it would kill him or her instantly.

The number of objects in Earth orbit has increased steadily - by two hundred per year on average

Whenever a space shuttle is in orbit, the Surveillance Network regularly examines the trajectories of known orbital debris to identify possible close encounters.

If another object is projected to come within a few miles of the space shuttle, it will normally manoeuvre away from the object if the chance of a collision exceeds one in 10,000.

This occurs infrequently, about once every year or two.

Perhaps surprisingly, harmful collisions between space junk and operating spacecraft have been rare.

Modern spacecraft are equipped with shields which can deflect objects measuring up to half an inch or so across.

Fortunately space is very, very big and the spaces between all these bits of junk remain large, and the probability of a hit very small.

But it is only a matter of time before an accident occurs. Sadly, cleaning up space is going to be a lot harder than clearing up litter down here on Earth.

Glad you brought it to our attention, execline.
I am now going to contact Harrison Ford and ask if we can book the millenium falcon for a couple of weeks to clear it up.
It begs a few questions though.
1) will it spoil my suntan when I go to Cleethorpes for my holidays, with all that crap blocking out the sun.
2) If it will, is this an example of how we can slow global warming.
3) Do half witted Californians who think they have all been abducted by aliens believe this to be the USA's modern version of putting mines in the English Channel in 1938
4) Will ET ever get home
5) What makes the US so confident it can spot and avoid a two inch bolt 2000 miles away and avoid it, when on earth they struggle to even get the right country.
6) Should we paint a union jack on every bit, tell the yanks we are on their side and that we have declared war on the moon. Watch 'em blow all the bits out of the sky.

Alan

As usual you have made an excellent point or two and have you thought of having a body spray instead of going to Cleethorpes or maybe going fox hunting instead?

There's a lot of it about too.

Alan,

Yes you have made a few valid points but I don't fully understand them, (just got back from relatives in Nottingham so suffering from jet lag and may have misread your comments).

1 I didn't know ET was Californian.
2 Didn't know he was now living in Cleethorpes.
3 Yes he will get home as there are now more cycle lanes.
4 When did you see the sun in Cleethorpes, (nearest decade will do).

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the second pub.

Sorry wrong thread.

This is the Talk To Yourself thread.
Technically therefore, Greek is apologising to himself for his own mistake, which no-one else would read.
Is this some kind of Zen?????

Hi Alan,

I thought by now you would know I never make sense before noon. Some think I don't make much after either.
I have talked to myself for quite a while now, so a self aimed apology was the next step.
I do get the irony of the remark though.

According to media reports, our austere PM Gordon (one day I will make a decision) Brown has instructed Banks and other such financial institutions to be more open and honest about what is on their books.
He has also advised his subjects, IE us, to only borrow what they we can afford and to not put ourselves deeper in debt.
The government has also in the past advised us not to bundle debts up into these companies that consolidate such loans.
Shame he doesn't practice what he preaches, Keeping the Northern Rock bale out cost off the government balance sheet springs to mind, as does the governments borrowing figures of the last few years.
Also when the government refinance they don't call it consolidation of loans, they call it restructuring, (sounds better).
Hypocritical B*****D.

Due to the looming economic problems, the missus and I have decided to do a Tom and Barbara Good. We have gone all self sufficient, but I'm not quite certain the wife has got the hang of it.
I am growing Tomatos, apples, plums, cucumber, spuds, onions, peas and peppers.
The wife has so far planted and OXO cube cos she likes beef and a few grains of salt, to grow a salt tree.
This morning I saw her in the garden with a trowel and a handful of batteries to reduce our electricity costs.
She has also dismantled a few of my cigarettes to try and grow our own tobacco.
I daren't let her near the eggs in the fridge.

'The voice of Neanderthal Man has been synthesised 30,000 years after the human relatives became extinct.

Scientists in the US have used a reconstruction of the larynx of Homo neanderthalis and computer models to mimic the way that the species probably spoke. Only one sound the e has been generated so far, which seems strangulated and nasal in comparison with its human equivalent. '

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article3760832.ece

What a waste of time and money - they could have just listened to John Prescott.

Am I reading this wrong.

It appears the government latest wonder idea is to lend Banks/Building Societies squilions of pounds taking these institutions mortgage books, which presumably include some that are high risk (sub prime) as collateral.
Isn't this how the credit crunch started.
Black Adders Baldrick (I have a cunning plan) springs to mind.

Obviously the above is a personal simplistic view, but I can't see it any other way.
Still, if it goes wrong they can always put taxes up.

Note.... If we all run out of money we can descend on Alan's commune.
Alan do you by any chance have any plans re witchcraft, naked dancing and the deflowering of virgins. If so please contact me direct. Don't post reply on here, as you don't want to be pestered by perverts do you.

I don't care what you lot think.
I think it is very brave of Greek to volunteer himself for deflowering in my back garden.

Damn, foil(iage)ed again.