Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

The trades are full of trade secrets, but building is some form of black magic, IMO.
The last time I had builders in, the job seemed to get done by itself. Sure I had a bloke on the back of a lorry, moving things around. I had two guys drinking more tea than I thought existed and one who turned up now and again, apparantly just to answer a mobile phone, then disappeared again to do some quotes. I even had one who just sort of stood around, in the general work area, looking at things with one tool or another in his hand, but nobody actually did anything except retune the radio.
Yet lo and behold the job did get done, despite no input at all from any of them. Magic!!
For those who don't beleive me, have a look at the next set of roadworks you see. The motorway closest to me has recently resurfaced itself by being coned off and having a lot of men in reflective jackets staring at it.
Like computer repairs, its witchcraft, trust me on this.

Didn't you have the guy who moved bricks backwards and forwards between the same two spots all day long, the one who spent everyday looking for a spirit level,
another one who spent all day with his head raised to 45 degrees, his mouth wide open, staring at a point up on the ridge, occasionally poking a finger in his ear and shaking his head backwards and forwards, another guy sawing the same piece of wood for three days - it started at 6 feet long. He saws half an inch off, disapperars into the attic for half an hour then returns to saw another half inch off, disappears again, and so on till eventually after three days the piece of wood is 9 inches long. He then disappears into the loft again and doesn't return - never to be seen again.

I've had 'em all - I'm glad to hear the job does finaally get done - no sign of it here. It must be magic, like you say, because this bunch of ****ers won't finish without!

Groan! Thank god for this thread, where I can 'vent my spleen'!!

Is the end of the world upon us????????????????????????????????????????

http://www.virginmedia.com/images/rolling_stones-gal-badweek.jpg

The Rolling Stones are rumoured to be heading for a split due to a growing rift between Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. The rock legends have performed together for over 40 years, but according to The Daily Mail their touring days could be numbered as cracks are appearing in their relationship. Richards has apparently said of Mick: "He is a power freak and there's nothing we can do about it. Mick's a maniac. He can't get up in the morning without knowing who he's going to call. Meanwhile, I just go 'Thank God I'm awake' and wait three or four hours before I do anything."

I watched our dog this morning.
He got a biscuit and tried to bury it, with his nose, under a fitted carpet. It took him 15 minutes to give up and I am treating him for carpet burns on his nose.
Then, with the keenest sense of smell of any animal, he curled up in a ball, with his nose up his own arse.
I started to feel very superior at this point. Then I realised that animals may be very stupid, but they cannot realise that. We should know we are, but have elevated it to an art form.
Local councils, apparantly, have started using cctv to catch litter droppers. At fist, this appears reasonable and responsible. No-one likes litter and those dropping litter should be tied down naked in a field full of stinging nettles and forced to talk to Jamie Oliver.
Then we look at the net result with eyes open. Several Gazzillion* pounds of ratepayers money has gone to provide high tec cameras, argue the legal and privacy issues, employ people to watch the televisions, people to investigate images and finally an entire team to issue and chase up 50 fines.
Result = slightly cleaner streets, an alienated population and a bill of thousands of pounds for every 50 collected.
This was developed and devised by some arse who probably spent 3 years doing reports on it to present to council. He makes my dog look like Albert Einsteins cleverer older brother.
My dog would have suggested employing half a dozen cheap labourers (Poles, Rumanians, Prisoners etc.) with biodegradable sacks from SEO to pick it up. He would than have given traffic wardens the power to fine for littering, because non of us will be driving cars if oil prices continue and they will need something to do.
There you go. Streets free of litter, the civil liberties brigade happy, the population seeing something for their council tax and less chance of me popping up on Youtube walking drunk into a bus shelter. And a saving of several gazillion pounds to boot.
On top of that the idiot that dreamed it up would get sacked, saving 40 grand a year, and my dog would do his job for the price of his stomach tickling and a warm fire to lie in front of and flatulate. The idiot could then spend his days burying biscuits.

*Estimated figures.

Economics explained in very simple terms using cows, (pinched from another site, Author user name D Gaser.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows..
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company..
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

As the British bit was very short, I have put my own interpretation, re under G Browns Government.

They don't own any cows but they hear of a breed that is leaking milk like a punctured udder (Northern Rock breed), so they take them from the farmer 'Adam Applegarth' anyway compensating the farm with credits backed by Tax Payers.
Six months later all the cows catch TB from roaming badgers and they all die. They government won't admit they are dead, although many people including several Labor back benches have proof (several photographs showing cows laying on their backs with feet in the air).
At PMQT David Cameron, accuses Brown of lying stating they are as dead as the Monty Pythons Parrot (They are passed on! These cows are no more! They have ceased to be! 'they are expired and gone to meet their maker! 'There stiff! Bereft of life, 'They rests in peace! 'their metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'there off the cud! 'they have kicked the
bucket, ' shuffled off their mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THESE ARE EX-COWS.
Brown/The government finally admit the cows are dead, sell off the dead cows (Northern Rock) to a private equity group for a token price, who butcher them, packaging up the meat, call it prime cuts (or should that be sub prime) and make a fortune selling the cuts back to the general population (Tax Payers).

Apologies to Monty Python for pinching parts of the script, and to serious Labor Voters (are there any left) for trying to brighten up your day when possibly many of you have become so masochistically morose on watching Gordon's performance you might even be starting to enjoy it.

this is a very simplistic view but.........
Subject: Fw: WWII German's view on Islam - very chilling



---

A German's Point Of View On Islam :

A man whose family was German aristocracy prior to World War II owned
A number of large industries and estates. When asked how many German
People were true Nazis, the answer he gave can guide our attitude
Toward fanaticism.

"Very few people were true Nazis," he said, "but many enjoyed the return
Of German pride, and many more were too busy to care. I was one of those
Who just thought the Nazis were a bunch of fools. So, the majority just
Sat back and let it all happen. Then, before we knew it, they owned us,
And we had lost control, and the end of the world had come. My family
Lost everything.

I ended up in a concentration camp and the Allies destroyed my factories."

We are told again and again by 'experts' and 'talking heads' that Islam is
The religion of peace, and that the vast majority of Muslims just want to live
In peace. Although this unqualified assertion may be true, it is entirely
Irrelevant. It is meaningless bluff, meant to make us feel better, and meant
To somehow diminish the spectre of fanatics rampaging across the globe
In the name of Islam. The fact is that the fanatics rule Islam at this moment
In history.

It is the fanatics who march. It is the fanatics who wage any one of 50
Shooting wars worldwide. It is the fanatics who systematically slaughter
Christian or tribal groups throughout Africa and are gradually taking over
The entire continent in an Islamic wave. It is the fanatics who bomb,
Behead, murder, or honour kill. It is the fanatics who take over mosque
After mosque. It is the fanatics who zealously spread the stoning and
Hanging of rape victims and homosexuals. The hard quantifiable fact is
That the 'peaceful majority', the 'silent majority', is cowed and extraneous.

Communist Russia was comprised of Russians who just wanted to live
In peace, yet the Russian Communists were responsible for the murder
Of about 20 million people. The peaceful majority were irrelevant. China
'S huge population was peaceful as well, but Chinese Communists
Managed to kill a staggering 70 million people.

The average Japanese individual prior to World War II was not a
Warmongering sadist. Yet, Japan murdered and slaughtered it's way
Across South East Asia in an orgy of killing that included the systematic
Murder of 12 million Chinese civilians; most killed by sword, shovel,
And bayonet. And, who can forget Rwanda, which collapsed into butchery.
Could it not be said that the majority of Rwandans were 'peace loving'?

History lessons are often incredibly simple and blunt, yet for all our
Powers of reason we often miss the most basic and uncomplicated of
Points: Peace-loving Muslims have been made irrelevant by their silence.
Peace-loving Muslims will become our enemy if they don't speak up,
Because like my friend from Germany, they will awaken one day and
Find that the fanatics own them, and the end of their world will have begun.

Peace-loving Germans, Japanese, Chinese, Russians, Rwandans, Serbs,
Afghanis, Iraqis, Palestinians, Somalis, Nigerians, Algerians, and many
Others have died because the peaceful majority did not speak up until it
Was too late. As for us who watch it all unfold; we must pay attention to
The only group that counts; the fanatics who threaten our way of life.

Lastly, at the risk of offending, anyone who doubts that the issue is
Serious and just deletes this email without sending it on, is contributing
To the passiveness that allows the problems to expand.

England has almost surrendered to the Islamic wave having more than
130 new mosques built in 2005 and proposed 100 to be built in 2006 -
in 2007 the count was 843 prayer meeting places with howling/wailing
towers across England.

So, extend yourself a bit and send this on and on and on!

Let us hope that thousands, world wide, read this - think about it - and
send it on.

(Author Unknown)

I get a load of e-mails from that Arthur Unknown chappy.
I've seen a lot of his work from centuries ago as well, so he must be getting on a bit. Still, if he's been around that long he must know a thing or two.
(Sorry. Not trying to belittle the subject or the sincerity of the post)

Stable,

I for one will forward your post on, as I often do with such posts, hoping that the more people read/see such posts the more likely something will wake the sleeping majority up to the real world (but not holding my breath).

Greek.

Put initially on the SEO thread, but thought it might just cheer punters up.

The best way to look at any form of stock market dealings are to liken it to sex and marriage.
On your wedding day you sort of buy into the concept, listening and believing into all the hype, you know, the promises of Jam (or for the perverted, chocolate spread, whilst wearing French maids outfits, and the like) tomorrow.
Things are fine for a while with both the SP and the sap rising at regular intervals, then as you start to take the never ending platitudes (RNS's) for granted, things start to change. The SP and the *** starts to drop for no apparent reasons.
Releases become fewer and at less regular intervals with what to start with are believable excuses (of the type,I have a headache-the trial results have been delayed), till eventually you look forward with desperation to that rare movement upward, (use your imagination on that one, I don't want to be banned).
After a few years your investment becomes tired and limp, you loose interest, harboring thoughts of getting out altogether, looking at putting your 'interests' into something else, but not having enough bottle just in case things get back to how they were.
But eventually thoughts of ditching the initial single type commitment and spreading it around, look more and more appealing until you suddenly realize that first leap was taken in haste and that next time you will take more time before diving into something that may just fade away into just a shadow of what once was.

Strange analogy perhaps but!

I do not know how long the following has been in circulation, but i pass on as I have just recd it.



London Times: Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense


'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.


Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.


Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.


Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his Wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.


Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do Nothing.'


And a little extra: Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following statistics?


29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
4 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year


Which organisation is this?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line..

dont know if this has been on before. it tickled me, anyway.

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'



General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who wa s about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Another one from Australia re'd today

I just love this one. Too many people today forget that there was a yesterday where many lives were lost to give us a today. If our country is so bad for some, which there seems to be more each day when reading the newspapers, then they have the right and opportunity to move onto another country. I'll bet there are not too many other countries in the world that tolerate such attitudes.















PROTESTORS



Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protestor in a train
station in Sydney

There were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the
evils of Australia . I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you
care about the children of Iraq ?'

The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in
France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in
Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and
bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella
up your arse and open it.'

God Bless Australia !!

Read 2 research reports released today.
The first has found that persons in debt, are more likely to suffer from depression than those that are not, with the level of depression often following the level of debt. The more you owe the more depressed you become.
A second separate report has found that the more you are depressed the more likely you are to turn to alcohol.

Very rarely does a week go by without the release of such mind boggling research results.

It appears that the modern trend is that you must spend vast amounts of time and money to prove the bleedin obvious.
I just wonder who pays and how much for these so obvious to anyone with half a brain reports. I would hazard a guess that it's the mug tax payer.

After reading such C**P, I became so depressed that I felt like going to the pub and getting real pissed.

I don't owe anyone anything greek and i'm depressed i want a yacht and i can't afford one ,so maybe i should borrow the cash and have something to be depressed about.

Thing is Greek, they got the reports the wrong way around.
You ask any self respecting alcoholic, booze makes them skint and then they get depressed cos they can't buy a pint.
More reports on the same theme;
EATING LINKED TO OBESITY
DRIVERS TO BLAME FOR ROAD ACCIDENTS
VATICAN CONDOM MACHINES LOSING MONEY
HYPOTHERMIA RISKS INCREASE IN COLD WEATHER
BREAKDANCING UNDER REPRESENTED IN NURSING HOMES
DYSLEXICS HAEV SPELIGN DIFICULTYS
ILLNESS LINKED TO DEATH
1 IN 10 PEOPLE FEEL THEY ARE IN THE MINORITY (VERY ZEN)
9 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE ENJOY GANG RAPE (THINK ABOUT IT)
WHY FAT CHILDREN ARE YOUNG AND OVERWEIGHT

I have lots more bits of research available to the highest bidder. I should do well because a recent bit of market research showed that 100% of people who completed the questionnaire enjoyed completing questionnaires.

From a home survey, Marriage makes you depressed, skint, drink and suicidal. (conducted by me at home).

Alan,

So whats the odds of having an accident if you are a sick, obese, dyslexic catholic who drives in cold weather whilst conducting a hand written survey?

Absolutely nil, Greek.
Unless you are doing the survey by phone and travelling at 31 MPH in a 30 limit, when it becomes inevitable.
This is why the Gestapo stop you, fine you 60 and sentence you to 50 lashes and a fortnight giving Jo Brand a toe job.

Add to the list " Ursines defecate in arborial locations"

Stanelco announcement;

Stanelco announce they have been conducting secret trials in London of new materials from which to make Prime Ministers. Traditionally these people hang around for years after their usefull lives causing untold damage to the environment and costing a fortune in ermine.
30 years ago they experimented first with Iron (codename Thatcher) hoping it would rust away. While it was durable in use, it did not degrade as hoped, but rather left a lingering problem of decay.
Next they tried Plastic (codename Major) but found it was too easily bent and misshapen, causing it to have no firm cause or purpose, and so was unusable due to its inability to conduct power.
After this they had a good long trial of Teflon (codename Blair). It worked well as nothing thrown at it stuck. The trials had to be abandoned due to a patent dispute with the Bush Corporation, who eventually won control of Blair and the discovery that his non stick coating left a nasty taste in the mouth. It also failed to decompose entirely leaving behind traces of Cherie and Prescott.
The latest material to be tried is biodegradable, made entirely from scotch mist (codename Brown). This promises to break down completely within just a couple of years, but unfortunately has the drawback of lasting damage to Englands green and pleasant land and is completely transparant in everything it does. Consumers appear not to be keen on the new variant either.
The search is now on for a new material that will be serviceable for a few years, and then will disappear completely, without the expense of disposal, leaving no harmful effects on the country.
Scientists are not convinced this is possible, though a limited trial of a blancmange type substance (codename Boris) is underway in London that is proving to be amiable and popular, and is moldable to anything anyone wants.
However volume is a concern, and its appearance has a tendancy to make foreigners laugh.
Trial updates are predicted for this October.

And I thought all politicians were made of Latex. You know the stuff they make condoms out of. After all they both cover a load of D***S, and have very little other uses.