Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

dont know if this has been on before. it tickled me, anyway.

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'



General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who wa s about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Another one from Australia re'd today

I just love this one. Too many people today forget that there was a yesterday where many lives were lost to give us a today. If our country is so bad for some, which there seems to be more each day when reading the newspapers, then they have the right and opportunity to move onto another country. I'll bet there are not too many other countries in the world that tolerate such attitudes.















PROTESTORS



Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protestor in a train
station in Sydney

There were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the
evils of Australia . I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you
care about the children of Iraq ?'

The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in
France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in
Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and
bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella
up your arse and open it.'

God Bless Australia !!

Read 2 research reports released today.
The first has found that persons in debt, are more likely to suffer from depression than those that are not, with the level of depression often following the level of debt. The more you owe the more depressed you become.
A second separate report has found that the more you are depressed the more likely you are to turn to alcohol.

Very rarely does a week go by without the release of such mind boggling research results.

It appears that the modern trend is that you must spend vast amounts of time and money to prove the bleedin obvious.
I just wonder who pays and how much for these so obvious to anyone with half a brain reports. I would hazard a guess that it's the mug tax payer.

After reading such C**P, I became so depressed that I felt like going to the pub and getting real pissed.

I don't owe anyone anything greek and i'm depressed i want a yacht and i can't afford one ,so maybe i should borrow the cash and have something to be depressed about.

Thing is Greek, they got the reports the wrong way around.
You ask any self respecting alcoholic, booze makes them skint and then they get depressed cos they can't buy a pint.
More reports on the same theme;
EATING LINKED TO OBESITY
DRIVERS TO BLAME FOR ROAD ACCIDENTS
VATICAN CONDOM MACHINES LOSING MONEY
HYPOTHERMIA RISKS INCREASE IN COLD WEATHER
BREAKDANCING UNDER REPRESENTED IN NURSING HOMES
DYSLEXICS HAEV SPELIGN DIFICULTYS
ILLNESS LINKED TO DEATH
1 IN 10 PEOPLE FEEL THEY ARE IN THE MINORITY (VERY ZEN)
9 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE ENJOY GANG RAPE (THINK ABOUT IT)
WHY FAT CHILDREN ARE YOUNG AND OVERWEIGHT

I have lots more bits of research available to the highest bidder. I should do well because a recent bit of market research showed that 100% of people who completed the questionnaire enjoyed completing questionnaires.

From a home survey, Marriage makes you depressed, skint, drink and suicidal. (conducted by me at home).

Alan,

So whats the odds of having an accident if you are a sick, obese, dyslexic catholic who drives in cold weather whilst conducting a hand written survey?

Absolutely nil, Greek.
Unless you are doing the survey by phone and travelling at 31 MPH in a 30 limit, when it becomes inevitable.
This is why the Gestapo stop you, fine you 60 and sentence you to 50 lashes and a fortnight giving Jo Brand a toe job.

Add to the list " Ursines defecate in arborial locations"

Stanelco announcement;

Stanelco announce they have been conducting secret trials in London of new materials from which to make Prime Ministers. Traditionally these people hang around for years after their usefull lives causing untold damage to the environment and costing a fortune in ermine.
30 years ago they experimented first with Iron (codename Thatcher) hoping it would rust away. While it was durable in use, it did not degrade as hoped, but rather left a lingering problem of decay.
Next they tried Plastic (codename Major) but found it was too easily bent and misshapen, causing it to have no firm cause or purpose, and so was unusable due to its inability to conduct power.
After this they had a good long trial of Teflon (codename Blair). It worked well as nothing thrown at it stuck. The trials had to be abandoned due to a patent dispute with the Bush Corporation, who eventually won control of Blair and the discovery that his non stick coating left a nasty taste in the mouth. It also failed to decompose entirely leaving behind traces of Cherie and Prescott.
The latest material to be tried is biodegradable, made entirely from scotch mist (codename Brown). This promises to break down completely within just a couple of years, but unfortunately has the drawback of lasting damage to Englands green and pleasant land and is completely transparant in everything it does. Consumers appear not to be keen on the new variant either.
The search is now on for a new material that will be serviceable for a few years, and then will disappear completely, without the expense of disposal, leaving no harmful effects on the country.
Scientists are not convinced this is possible, though a limited trial of a blancmange type substance (codename Boris) is underway in London that is proving to be amiable and popular, and is moldable to anything anyone wants.
However volume is a concern, and its appearance has a tendancy to make foreigners laugh.
Trial updates are predicted for this October.

And I thought all politicians were made of Latex. You know the stuff they make condoms out of. After all they both cover a load of D***S, and have very little other uses.

This week has seen major world news of the worst possible kind.
A disaster of biblical proportions that has shaken humanity to the very core. This is not something I should be flippant about as it is beyond belief, the amount of suffering and distress it will cause, and the way traditional relief agencies cannot cope or help those suffering in any meaningful way.
I have considered starting a charitable foundation to aid those affected, but I do not know how to do it. I am that stricken with grief by the plight of all those whose lives have been changed for ever.
I am refering not to China who had a bit of a shake, or Burma with the breeze problems. I refer to a disasterous report from Hampshire Health Authority telling us we must no longer eat Donner Kebabs.
Apparantly they are the equivilent of drinking a wineglass full of cooking oil, washed down with a shovel of salt and just looking at one is enough to turn arteries to lead pipes and give a heart more scars than a really bad stuntman. Actually eating one they argue, should be reclassified as attempted suicide. I was hoping the report would treat them like fruit etc. and recommend 5 a day.
I, and everyone I know, is distraught at this great loss of a traditional late night meal.
Millions will be devastated (especially on Saturday nights) and imagine the loss of employment. Both of the vendors of Kebabs and those employed to clear up vomit splashes on a Sunday morning.
My friends and I are to organise a wake for this great british tradition and the end of Friday and Saturday nights as we know them.

It appears that the powers that be are looking at including house prices (increases/decreases) in the Consumer Price Index.
For many years house prices have been rising well above inflation. Only now they are entering into a downward price trend the thoughts are to include them in the index.
No doubt the government will state the suggested inclusion is nothing to do with the house price index being in a downward trend, it is being included because as Gordon Brown stated, "we will start listen to the people".
Yer Right!
Or am I just being a cynical b*****d.

Alan,

I had a Donner once. She was quite hairy as well as fat, but after a few bevy's she as I remember it looked gorgeous. But then don't they all.
(apologies to any Donna's out there).

Greek.

Yet another Government scam.

It was reported this AM, BBC News that in general a diesel powered car is less pollutant than a petrol equivalent.
Yet the most up to date official figures for fuel tax available (1st Oct 2007) are.

Petrol (unleaded) fuel tax = 53.65p per litre.
Conventional diesel fuel tax = 56.94 per litre.

Obviously the other tax levied (VAT) increases with every increase in price.

No doubt if/when an alternative none polluting, environmentally neutral fuel is found, taxes will become just as high on that fuel source. So much for the never ending official statements that one reason for these fuel taxes are to encourage end users to become more environmentally friendly, IE Green Tax.

We all know the motorist is an easy target and that the taxes are so high for the sole reason of filling the massive hole in this mis-governments coffers.
Why do they still spin the same old rubbish.

Because it works?

Hi Kayak,

But does it. Who believes it anymore (if they ever did).
But I suppose there are some people about who with an IQ of 10 or less still believe
or just don't care.
Come the revolution bother!

Doesn't really matter if they believe it, they still drive, just like they still drink and smoke in spite of the punitive taxes there too.

I believe it!!!!
I am famous for my stupidity and believing everything ever said.
I believed the government that I should eat 5 a day, even though the dentist tells me my teeth will only last a fortnight with that much fructose and acid.
I believed the government when they said the 5% addition of biofuel will reduce my carbon footprint even though scientists tell us it is about 20 times as lethal to the atmosphere.
I believed my scIEnce teacher when he said i comes before e, except after c.
I believe that striking teachers only have the best interests of the kids at heart.
I believe anything I'm told. I just can't believe Gordon Brown still has a job.

And when the MP's expenses are published, I bet you will believe that our Honorable Members (oxymoron if ever there was one), tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me voter.

Other oxymorons in the recent press re MP's/Government.
Government assistance
Government efficiency
Government integrity
Government initiative
Government Intelligence
Government organization
Government Worker
Governmental Efficiency

Not doubt you clever lot will add some more.

And the most kick ass annoying government sponsored (paid for by Tax Payers)advert is 'Tax doesn't have to be taxing' Now that does really p**s me off.

A civil service where the employees are neither civil nor servile??????

Greek,
You have stumbled on a governmental truism.
The department for industry always presided over unemployment.
The defence of the realm act was used to attack other countries.
The defence department attacks anyone.
The freedom of information act tells us when we can keep things secret.
The data protection act shows how we can share data.
The education secretary has never had an education.
The home office is responsible for immigration and is staffed by illegal aliens.
And so on and so on.............................