Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

This is the Talk To Yourself thread.
Technically therefore, Greek is apologising to himself for his own mistake, which no-one else would read.
Is this some kind of Zen?????

Hi Alan,

I thought by now you would know I never make sense before noon. Some think I don't make much after either.
I have talked to myself for quite a while now, so a self aimed apology was the next step.
I do get the irony of the remark though.

According to media reports, our austere PM Gordon (one day I will make a decision) Brown has instructed Banks and other such financial institutions to be more open and honest about what is on their books.
He has also advised his subjects, IE us, to only borrow what they we can afford and to not put ourselves deeper in debt.
The government has also in the past advised us not to bundle debts up into these companies that consolidate such loans.
Shame he doesn't practice what he preaches, Keeping the Northern Rock bale out cost off the government balance sheet springs to mind, as does the governments borrowing figures of the last few years.
Also when the government refinance they don't call it consolidation of loans, they call it restructuring, (sounds better).
Hypocritical B*****D.

Due to the looming economic problems, the missus and I have decided to do a Tom and Barbara Good. We have gone all self sufficient, but I'm not quite certain the wife has got the hang of it.
I am growing Tomatos, apples, plums, cucumber, spuds, onions, peas and peppers.
The wife has so far planted and OXO cube cos she likes beef and a few grains of salt, to grow a salt tree.
This morning I saw her in the garden with a trowel and a handful of batteries to reduce our electricity costs.
She has also dismantled a few of my cigarettes to try and grow our own tobacco.
I daren't let her near the eggs in the fridge.

'The voice of Neanderthal Man has been synthesised 30,000 years after the human relatives became extinct.

Scientists in the US have used a reconstruction of the larynx of Homo neanderthalis and computer models to mimic the way that the species probably spoke. Only one sound the e has been generated so far, which seems strangulated and nasal in comparison with its human equivalent. '

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article3760832.ece

What a waste of time and money - they could have just listened to John Prescott.

Am I reading this wrong.

It appears the government latest wonder idea is to lend Banks/Building Societies squilions of pounds taking these institutions mortgage books, which presumably include some that are high risk (sub prime) as collateral.
Isn't this how the credit crunch started.
Black Adders Baldrick (I have a cunning plan) springs to mind.

Obviously the above is a personal simplistic view, but I can't see it any other way.
Still, if it goes wrong they can always put taxes up.

Note.... If we all run out of money we can descend on Alan's commune.
Alan do you by any chance have any plans re witchcraft, naked dancing and the deflowering of virgins. If so please contact me direct. Don't post reply on here, as you don't want to be pestered by perverts do you.

I don't care what you lot think.
I think it is very brave of Greek to volunteer himself for deflowering in my back garden.

Damn, foil(iage)ed again.

Subject: Fw: SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!

I know this looks like a joke, but really, couldn't our 'institutions' learn something
from this?

SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!

Update on Joe Arpaio

Oh, there's MUCH more to know about Sheriff Joe!

Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray
animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the
County Supervisors said okay.

The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They
feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice
daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They
give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken
stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in
dog shows.

The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3
million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years
ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a
microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78.

The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most
would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is
for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the prisoners out of the fees
collected for adopted animals.

I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the
way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated
to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh
vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand. He has a pretty good
sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree
nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for
the Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.

Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote.

Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and
vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where
you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement
wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained specifically for
enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for
hauling folks back to the border. He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO

HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF

AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER

THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona ) who created the ' Tent City Jail':

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for
them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights
Cut off all but 'G' movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city
projects.

Then He Started Chain Gangs For Women So He Wouldn't Get

Sued For Discrimination.

He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court Order
that Required Cable TV For Jails So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again Only Let In The
Disney Channel And The Weather Channel.

When asked why the weather channel He Replied, So They Will Know How Hot
It's Gonna Be While They Are Working ON My Chain Gangs.

He Cut Off Coffee Since It Has Zero Nutritional Value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This Isn't The
Ritz/Carlton. ....If You Don't Like It, Don't Come Back.'

He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the
jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he
replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were
in his jails in the first place.

More On The Arizona Sheriff:

With Temperatures Being Even Hotter Than Usual In Phoenix (116 Degrees Just
Set A New Record), the Associated Press Reports:

About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire- Surrounded Tent Encampment At
The Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their Government-
Issued

Pink Boxer Shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their
bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached

138 Degrees Inside The Week Before.

Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their
Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS.

'It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace,' Said James Zanzot, An Inmate Who Has
Lived In The TENTS for 1 year. 'It's Inhumane.'

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
started ma king his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit
sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: 'It's 120 Degrees In
Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full Battle Gear,

But They Didn't Commit Any Crimes,So Shut Your Damned Mouths!'

Way To Go, Sheriff!

Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime
and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in
luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so
they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't
afford to have for themselves.

That went on for so long I was sure it must be an urban myth, but in fact it's true.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/crime/arpaio.asp

Stable,

Can't understand why you wanted to adopt a German prisoner, (Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years
ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a
microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78) or am I reading it wrong.
But seriously it does show that if people are prepared to cut to the chase and go for it just how things can be done.
Like you say 'Way to go'.

I'm going to forward the relevant post to our esteemed Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith.

I can't understand at all why our prisoners can't be out on the street in supervised groups and seen to be working.

Why can't it be made to happen?
Why should they just sit on their arses all day long and be kept for free?

Some people would say there is shame in being a prisoner and it wouldn't be good for rehabilitation.
I have a good comment for that. It's "Bollox!"

ExecLine,

You must understand that Prisoners have to sit on their arses all day long unless they want a jolly good rogering, (no that's not being prejudice against all prisoners called Roger).
But again seriously, we will never get things sorted in this country till the powers that be take notice of the majority and tell the liberalite do gooders to get stuffed.

Out drowning my sorrows last night, and Trevs back.
There had been a bit of a fight in the pub and he was busy taking bits of someones nose out of the bowl of beer nuts.
The current industrial unrest is ticking him off, because when kids are at school, they don't chase him down the street, calling him names and throwing empty vodka bottles at him.
Anyway, he told me that he had got an easy answer to the UK ills, based on something he read on here about prisoners.
He reckons we should tell the oil workers to get lost and employ prisoners to do their job, instead of sewing mailsacks, which is a crap job cause of e-mail.
He also reckons we should do the same with striking teachers.
I was worried about letting muggers and car theives loose in school, but Trev said the teachers had to risk it, so why not the prisoners?
He reckons we would save several million quid by paying prisoners about 40p an hour instead of teachers and punishment would finally mean something. It would put even the hardest criminal off ever commiting a crime again.
More to the point, they could show the kids how to do crimes properly and not get caught.
QED, said Trev. Lower prison populations cos they would all be in schools getting paper thrown at 'em and would never go back to a life of crime, and the kids would not get caught again. More than that we could spend all the money we saved giving everyone a 10p tax rate and 0% mortgages, and he could walk down the street without having to duck vodka and cider bottles today.
He went back to his beer nuts and trying to pinch the contents of the drip tray when Sandra the barmaid wasn't looking.

Out drowning my sorrows last night, and Trevs back.
There had been a bit of a fight in the pub and he was busy taking bits of someones nose out of the bowl of beer nuts.
The current industrial unrest is ticking him off, because when kids are at school, they don't chase him down the street, calling him names and throwing empty vodka bottles at him.
Anyway, he told me that he had got an easy answer to the UK ills, based on something he read on here about prisoners.
He reckons we should tell the oil workers to get lost and employ prisoners to do their job, instead of sewing mailsacks, which is a crap job cause of e-mail.
He also reckons we should do the same with striking teachers.
I was worried about letting muggers and car theives loose in school, but Trev said the teachers had to risk it, so why not the prisoners?
He reckons we would save several million quid by paying prisoners about 40p an hour instead of teachers and punishment would finally mean something. It would put even the hardest criminal off ever commiting a crime again.
More to the point, they could show the kids how to do crimes properly and not get caught.
QED, said Trev. Lower prison populations cos they would all be in schools getting paper thrown at 'em and would never go back to a life of crime, and the kids would not get caught again. More than that we could spend all the money we saved giving everyone a 10p tax rate and 0% mortgages, and he could walk down the street without having to duck vodka and cider bottles today.
He went back to his beer nuts and trying to pinch the contents of the drip tray when Sandra the barmaid wasn't looking.

That was worth repeating Alan! ;o)

Builders - bloody hell!

Idiots!

Does anyone else think they live on a completely different bloody planet - or is it me?


We've had six months of 'em - nightmare!

Oblo,
They would happily live on another planet, but it isn't quite ready yet.
Something to do with slightly mis-reading the creators plans and having the wrong size electrons in stock.
Then they had to go off and build a loacl galaxy cluster and have never got back since, which may be because God paid them up front.

Ah, you obviously know what I mean.

Yesterday...

6 builders on site - one says 'We've cut through a water pipe'. Bloody water spraying everywhere!

Me: So what are you doing about it?
1st Builder: We've 'phoned for help.
Me: The whole house will be flooded - you cant wait for help!
2nd Builder: Well, none of us are plumbers, we cant do anything.
Me: You dont have to be a ****ing plumber to turn a ****ing tap off!
3rd Builder: Well I've got my finger in the hole , I cant do it.
4th builder: I've got to be ready in case the plumber 'phones to say he cant find the house.
5th builder: I'm not a plumber.
6th builder: I can't run around - I get dizzy fits.
Me: I'd rather be a SEO shareholder than suffer this - ****, I'm that too. What did I do to deserve both?